Friday, August 31, 2012

The Mom Suit

Well, the time has come. I mentioned in my first post that I was going to reveal my rockin bikini bod. Or ya know... something like that. I know, it's almost September. Why on earth am I posting about swim suits when everyone else is posting about pumpkins, boots, scarves, and s'mores. Well, because right now is THE time to buy. Duh! Everything is on clearance. I refuse to buy swim at the beginning of the season. I like to wait until the end and catch that sale.

So here's what I looked like the summer before I got married...

Wanna know where I found these? Yall, I didn't have to look very long or hard. They were once upon a time posted BY ME to my FACEBOOK. Yes, there was a day when I actually posted pics of myself on facebook without a care in the world. Not even thinking it would gross anyone out. It was just another day, another picture.
I tried to find one of me after... Pretty much, I couldn't find one. I'm sure there is one somewhere, but it wasn't easily found. Especially last summer, I have a baby in front of me in every picture trying to make her tiny body cover my huge one. It's kind of sad. But I thought I was limited to a one piece. I thought, maximum coverage, side rouching to disguise the pooch, and either stay in a cover up or neck deep in the water.
Then, in August my family decided to take a beach trip. I was dreading it, tried to come up with every excuse not to go. But to no avail, my mom wasn't having it. And I really wanted to see my sister since I wont be able to see her again before she has her baby. So off I go to find a suit.
Store after store, laughing at myself in dressing room mirrors, I finally said to hell with it. I spent the first couple days fully dressed, sitting in the shade, watching everyone else. Then, we went to Target. And there it was. The perfect suit! But brace yourself... here comes a picture of ME wearing it. Not the size 0 model from the Target website.
Now, am I naive enough to think it's a magic suit that makes me look like the first pictures? Umm, no. Of course not. I DON'T look like that, and I probably WON'T ever again. BUT, this I love. I didn't feel like I needed to keep a cover up on. And if I couldn't avoid my mom with that damned camera, I just smiled and tried to stop my breathing for a minute. And threatened her life if she posted anything on facebook. This is so nice because I can still get a fun top that I like, and feel like I'm wearing a 2 piece. But it comes up high enough it slims my problem pooch area as well as covers up any stretch marks on my tummy and on the inside of my legs. Even if I did manage to lose all my weight, the fact is I have stretch marks. And they probably aren't going anywhere. So I may continue to wear this kind of thing to hide those. 
So if you're like me and have given up on still working on losing that baby flab (can you call it baby flab 2 years later?) then this is the bottom for you! I made my dad call it "retro" but I'm not sure it actually is anything more than a "mom suit" but YAY for not being limited to the dreaded one piece!
Target online is sold out, but I know our local store still has a few. So check yours and catch it on sale for next year!
I'm curious to know if any of you other mama's have found the perfect mom suit?
Or do you rock a bikini? If so, we can't be friends.
Oh, and just for fun, here's one of the cutest swim suit model I'VE ever seen (=

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

So What Wednesday

Has it really been a week? My very first post was SWW last week. And again, I'm linking up with Shannon for another installment this week (=

This week I am saying so what! to...
  • there being no such thing as a single stay at home mama. when my child cries until she throws up, I don't want to go back to work. I cannot handle it. Even if there's that chance she is exaggerating how upset she is to make me feel bad. IT WORKS!
  • if I'm 24. I am sad to say goodbye to the original Teen Mom girls. I cried. I have watched those kids grow up, and have a relationship - good or bad - yes, I said a relationship. It's how I roll.
  • it's 90* outside. It's like below freezing in the office. And it is almost September. So I'm rocking some fall clothes.
  • I am a big dummy and bought white pants the week before Labor Day. Yep, really thought that one through... so my "fall" wardrobe will also include white capris. Judge away, haters.

What are you saying so what to?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Retail Therapy

This isn't going to be a "fall must haves" post. This is mostly an open letter to retailers. Every woman knows the best pick-me-up is a little pretty. Having a bad day? Go shopping. Having a really bad day? Stay home in your sweats and shop online. Which is what I was doing recently with a few pints of ice cream. Or at least, I was trying to...

First, lets talk about the sweat pants I was wearing. Old Navy capri drawstring pants that I got in maybe the 9th grade... Let's just say, I've gotten my money's worth. These things have been worn and loved.

SO since I was sitting in these, and browsing the internet, I decided to replace them. I looked around at Old Navy but just couldnt find any I liked. So I remembered my other favorite lounge pants (in similar condition) from Victoras Secret. Then there they were... the boyfriend pant.

 Oh. My. God. I wanted them immediately. How perfect are these? Do you not feel better already just looking at them? Put them in my cart without thought. Entered my credit card number. Than BAM! I noticed the price. Before tax and shipping? $44.50 yes people, FOURTY FIVE dollars for sweat pants. Damned sweat pants! Now don't get me wrong, if anyone wants to spend their money and buy me these, email me. I will be happy to give you my shipping information. But for me? A single mama, that hasn't even officially started work yet, living with my parents? No. I will not be buying $44.50 sweat pants. But I will be watching for a great coupon or sale! Because I love those damn things.

But for now.... I will just save the photo to my mom's computer as a friendly hint (Christmas is only 4 months away. And the anniversary of my giving birth is only 3 months away) and go finish my ice cream.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

In The Meantime...

Scarlett posted this to instagram and I felt like it was totally what I needed to hear!

I think everyone can relate to this. Not just someone in a position like mine. Whether you're facing a promotion, a move, losing a job, losing a loved one, trying to conceive, waiting to buy a home or sell yours. I think we all at some point, wonder "why, God? when, God? what now, God?"

This made me quit thinking (for only a moment, lets be honest...) about all the things that have clogged my mind and heart lately. Like why did this marriage end, what did I do wrong, how do I move forward, will I find love again, do I even deserve to, have a made my daughter a terrible statistic, will I forever be judged for my choice, etc. etc. And instead, just think about some of the things I'm learning "in the meantime". I won't lie, it took a while for me to come up with anything. I'm not in a place where I'm easily seeing sunshine and rainbows. I'm still struggling to find the light, the up side, and the lesson in all of this.

But here's what I came up with. I'm going to write them down and share them because down the road when I start asking "why" again, I want you to just send me this link. And maybe as time goes on, the list will continue to grow.

I'm learning who my real friends are. Usually this statement is in a smart ass "my friends suck" context. But I was actually surprised by the friends that I felt wouldn't be interested, we hadnt talked in so long, and they have been by my side supporting me. Even some "online" friends, have been true prayer warriors for me and send words of encouragement. It means a lot. And feels good.

I'm learning I'm a lot stronger than I thought. A year ago, I would have told you that if this happened, I would be a devastated mess locked in bed in a severe state of depression, barely able to function without him. But guess what? I'm not. I'm strong. I'm moving forward. I'm doing what I need to do. Even if the main motivation is that I have a daughter watching me & I don't have the luxury of a break down. I have to be the woman she will be proud of one day.

I'm learning to be less judgemental. I can't tell you how hard it has been for me to be in this position and remember judging others for the decisions they made in a similar position. I am so ashamed. I may not agree with their choice, and have my opinions, and went a different route; but who am I to judge? If I told you I haven't thought "man, it would be so much easier to just go back" I would be lying. Now, when I see someone else's situation, I try to just say "I don't know their full story. Who am I to judge, if it works for them, then I can only say a prayer that the situation gets better rather than continuing or getting worse."

I'm learning a whole new respect for single mothers. I always had a respect, but honestly, it was more like pity. "that poor woman, having to raise those kids by herself.." Now? Whole different song and dance. My (ex) SIL is 1 of 4. I don't know their whole story, but best I can tell, her mom has been alone most of their lives and their dad hasn't been in the picture a whole lot. They celebrate their mother on Father's Day... and everyday. And they should. I will. Her and all the other single mamas. Whether the father is in the picture or not, it's hard. Not sad. Hard.

I'm learning power of the almighty dollar. I know, this is something I should have learned when I got my first job. Or when I was living on my own the first time, or through out my marriage when we were struggling. But for some reason, it didn't click. We made it work. We sometimes did without. We sometimes were just a day or 2 from being in the "dangerously late zone". But it was just me. Or just us. Even after prissy was born, we were both capable of picking up a 2nd or a side job. Now? It's not just me. And I don't have a partner to help out. I nannyed during the summer and was so amazed by the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I got paid, then stood at the gas pump or the check out lane at the grocery store and literally just felt sick. Of course, I'm living with my parents and they aren't going to let us go hungry. But I'm the mom. I shouldn't have to rely on them for everything. I want to buy her milk and fruit pouches and the massive amounts of bananas and grapes she eats. I need to provide her pull-up's and wipes, dr co-pay, and replace her toothbrush (girl loves brushing her teeth! but chews on it so we are constantly replacing them). When I come up short, I have to ask my mom. Ask my mom! It's humiliating, and then I feel like I have to explain where each dollar went, I have guilt about treating us to an ice cream cone, I feel like a child. For the first time in my life, I'm budgeting, I'm realizing I don't NEED those new shoes, and she doesn't NEED $50 monogrammed pajamas.

What are you learning "in the meantime"...................??

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Oh, how fabulous

My last blog was annoyingly titled "The Fabulous Life of Jules" catchy huh? You didn't even have to read a single post to guess that I had a fabulous husband, had a fabulous sex life, had a fabulous bank account, had a fabulous closet, was a fabulous sister daughter wife and friend. You know, just blogging my "real" fabulous life!

It goes without saying, I was lying. To you. To myself. Don't get me wrong, we had some faaabulous times, dahling. But the reality is, especially the last 2 years, we were paycheck to paycheck, let bills go so that I could spend money on some stupid new purchase twitter made me think I couldn't live without, my in-laws hated me and that caused a lot of tension between my husband and I. I was so busy trying to keep up the facade, that I lost myself. My family knows me, and could tell that I wasn't myself. Rather than telling them the truth, or trying to lie to them, I pushed them away. Our relationships are still strained. I couldn't find it in me to be truly happy for anyone else celebrating milestones because I was so unhappy with myself. I isolated myself from all my friends, and couldn't form real relationships.

So here's my promise on my new blog. UNedited. It's not always going to be pretty, sparkles, pink & green, hallelujahs, perfectly polished outfits, and beautifully plated meals. My real life isn't always pretty. I struggle. (I even have a swimsuit post coming up where I reveal my "bikini bod" Don't be scurred. Stay tuned if you think you can handle this jelly.)
BUT I'm not going to be a debbie downer all the time either. Because honestly? I do have some pretty fabulous parts of my life still. I have a spunky little 21 month old. I am starting a new job which while it's not fabulous, I do get to buy all new clothes and office supplies. (yay! nerd) I am reuniting with lots of old friends I have drifted from the last few years, and I have an opportunity for a do-over. I get to have hope and wonder about a future. I get to find myself again. And I'm kind of excited about it. Nervous, scared, a little sad.... but excited!

G and I started having issues as soon as Prissy was born. I suffered from PPD but went to a doctor and got things under control. I think G must have had some kind of male version, but would not talk about it or do anything. So needless to say, things festered, feelings were hurt, needs were neglected, and problems piled on top of problems. We threw around the "D word" too often and our "marriage" became a "business relationship". We each had our job- He went to work to pay the bills, I took care of the home, dinner, and baby. And when we were in public, we faked a happy family, and we smiled pretty for photos to share with the world. To convince ourselves or them, I don't know. That's just what we did. Finally, in May, prissy and I came up to Georgia to visit with my parents and give G and I a little break from each other. While I was here, I got a phone call that rocked my world. Our marriage wasn't perfect before, but it was OUR marriage... I thought. G denies it (most the time) but in my heart I know it's true. I prayed about it and begged God to show me how to forgive him. I didn't want our marriage to end. I didn't want my child to have a broken home. I didn't want to admit to my in-laws that we couldn't last forever. I didn't want to tell my family that my husband has went outside our marriage. I didn't want to tell the world I failed. I didn't want to break the promise I made to God "better or worse" "until death do us part". But then came another one. And another one. And it just seemed to have no end. One lie after another. One poor choice after another. One grain of salt too many in our already wounded marriage. So Prissy and I made the move. We are now living in GA with my parents. I start work next week and hope soon to be able to pay down some of the debts we built up in my name during my marriage and be in a position to get our own place soon. I am grateful to my parents for welcoming us and allowing us all the time I need to be ready to be on my own. A single mama. Alone.

We still aren't divorced, but we are separated, and I suppose divorce is inevitable. But that's a different post for a different day ;)

And because this was such a long post and needs a photo, here are a few from our last family session. Last year for Prissy's 1st birthday. Taken by my sweet friends & wonderful photographers Scarlett & Stephen

I am able to love these photos without having to love the man in them or the argument we had in the car on the way. And one day, prissy will cherish these.

Now you're all caught up. Or at least as caught up as I am going to bring you for now. Promise not to be a bitter bitch forever ;)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

So What! Wednesday

Well, I'm back. And since it's Wednesday, I have the perfect excuse to start my return to blogging with a link up with my old bloggy friend, Shannon rather than diving right into an annoying recap of what I've been up to the last year or a shameless giveaway to bring back all my old followers.

So today I am saying So What! to...

  • My blog being live already before I even have a fancy layout. Chances are, you're viewing (or not viewing this at all) from a phone.
  • I still haven't unpacked from our vacation last week. It's annoying. I figure we can just dress out of it for the week and I'll put it away after it's washed. No need to put it away twice, right? ... RIGHT?!
  • Two years later, I am just now starting to shop for a bra that actually fits. I hate shopping for bras and hate even more spending $50+ on one. Nobody even sees it! But... I start work Monday so it's time. No more wearing men's tees to cover the poorly fitted mess going on.
  • I'm getting teary eyed writing that last one. Not because of my bras. But because I will be going back to work and leaving my prissy all day. Been a SAHM long enough to feel lost when I'm away from her all day. Even doing something fun. Not sure how I'll do when I'm at work, NOT having fun )=
  • I was thiiiiiis close to naming my blog "Housewife Scorned" but decided at literally the last second (as I typed it in) that I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being the focus of my little slice of cyber space.
With that, I am excited to be jumping back into this whole blogging thing & am ready to reconnect with you all.

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