Saturday, August 25, 2012

In The Meantime...

Scarlett posted this to instagram and I felt like it was totally what I needed to hear!





I think everyone can relate to this. Not just someone in a position like mine. Whether you're facing a promotion, a move, losing a job, losing a loved one, trying to conceive, waiting to buy a home or sell yours. I think we all at some point, wonder "why, God? when, God? what now, God?"

This made me quit thinking (for only a moment, lets be honest...) about all the things that have clogged my mind and heart lately. Like why did this marriage end, what did I do wrong, how do I move forward, will I find love again, do I even deserve to, have a made my daughter a terrible statistic, will I forever be judged for my choice, etc. etc. And instead, just think about some of the things I'm learning "in the meantime". I won't lie, it took a while for me to come up with anything. I'm not in a place where I'm easily seeing sunshine and rainbows. I'm still struggling to find the light, the up side, and the lesson in all of this.

But here's what I came up with. I'm going to write them down and share them because down the road when I start asking "why" again, I want you to just send me this link. And maybe as time goes on, the list will continue to grow.

I'm learning who my real friends are. Usually this statement is in a smart ass "my friends suck" context. But I was actually surprised by the friends that I felt wouldn't be interested, we hadnt talked in so long, and they have been by my side supporting me. Even some "online" friends, have been true prayer warriors for me and send words of encouragement. It means a lot. And feels good.

I'm learning I'm a lot stronger than I thought. A year ago, I would have told you that if this happened, I would be a devastated mess locked in bed in a severe state of depression, barely able to function without him. But guess what? I'm not. I'm strong. I'm moving forward. I'm doing what I need to do. Even if the main motivation is that I have a daughter watching me & I don't have the luxury of a break down. I have to be the woman she will be proud of one day.

I'm learning to be less judgemental. I can't tell you how hard it has been for me to be in this position and remember judging others for the decisions they made in a similar position. I am so ashamed. I may not agree with their choice, and have my opinions, and went a different route; but who am I to judge? If I told you I haven't thought "man, it would be so much easier to just go back" I would be lying. Now, when I see someone else's situation, I try to just say "I don't know their full story. Who am I to judge, if it works for them, then I can only say a prayer that the situation gets better rather than continuing or getting worse."

I'm learning a whole new respect for single mothers. I always had a respect, but honestly, it was more like pity. "that poor woman, having to raise those kids by herself.." Now? Whole different song and dance. My (ex) SIL is 1 of 4. I don't know their whole story, but best I can tell, her mom has been alone most of their lives and their dad hasn't been in the picture a whole lot. They celebrate their mother on Father's Day... and everyday. And they should. I will. Her and all the other single mamas. Whether the father is in the picture or not, it's hard. Not sad. Hard.

I'm learning power of the almighty dollar. I know, this is something I should have learned when I got my first job. Or when I was living on my own the first time, or through out my marriage when we were struggling. But for some reason, it didn't click. We made it work. We sometimes did without. We sometimes were just a day or 2 from being in the "dangerously late zone". But it was just me. Or just us. Even after prissy was born, we were both capable of picking up a 2nd or a side job. Now? It's not just me. And I don't have a partner to help out. I nannyed during the summer and was so amazed by the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I got paid, then stood at the gas pump or the check out lane at the grocery store and literally just felt sick. Of course, I'm living with my parents and they aren't going to let us go hungry. But I'm the mom. I shouldn't have to rely on them for everything. I want to buy her milk and fruit pouches and the massive amounts of bananas and grapes she eats. I need to provide her pull-up's and wipes, dr co-pay, and replace her toothbrush (girl loves brushing her teeth! but chews on it so we are constantly replacing them). When I come up short, I have to ask my mom. Ask my mom! It's humiliating, and then I feel like I have to explain where each dollar went, I have guilt about treating us to an ice cream cone, I feel like a child. For the first time in my life, I'm budgeting, I'm realizing I don't NEED those new shoes, and she doesn't NEED $50 monogrammed pajamas.


What are you learning "in the meantime"...................??

2 comments:

  1. I think these are all great lessons. I know that I am learning a lot these days too. We struggle every month, financially, and so I've learned that Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram are sometimes the devil bc they make you think OMG I NEED THAT TOO when in reality I can't even pay the electric bill some months. Sad but true.

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  2. You are such a strong person, Jules! I pray that you soon find yourself proud. Proud that you made life better for you and A. No need to dwell on the things that you are now needing your parents help with. It's just the road that will lead to yours and A's true happiness!

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