Thursday, August 23, 2012

Oh, how fabulous

My last blog was annoyingly titled "The Fabulous Life of Jules" catchy huh? You didn't even have to read a single post to guess that I had a fabulous husband, had a fabulous sex life, had a fabulous bank account, had a fabulous closet, was a fabulous sister daughter wife and friend. You know, just blogging my "real" fabulous life!

It goes without saying, I was lying. To you. To myself. Don't get me wrong, we had some faaabulous times, dahling. But the reality is, especially the last 2 years, we were paycheck to paycheck, let bills go so that I could spend money on some stupid new purchase twitter made me think I couldn't live without, my in-laws hated me and that caused a lot of tension between my husband and I. I was so busy trying to keep up the facade, that I lost myself. My family knows me, and could tell that I wasn't myself. Rather than telling them the truth, or trying to lie to them, I pushed them away. Our relationships are still strained. I couldn't find it in me to be truly happy for anyone else celebrating milestones because I was so unhappy with myself. I isolated myself from all my friends, and couldn't form real relationships.

So here's my promise on my new blog. UNedited. It's not always going to be pretty, sparkles, pink & green, hallelujahs, perfectly polished outfits, and beautifully plated meals. My real life isn't always pretty. I struggle. (I even have a swimsuit post coming up where I reveal my "bikini bod" Don't be scurred. Stay tuned if you think you can handle this jelly.)
BUT I'm not going to be a debbie downer all the time either. Because honestly? I do have some pretty fabulous parts of my life still. I have a spunky little 21 month old. I am starting a new job which while it's not fabulous, I do get to buy all new clothes and office supplies. (yay! nerd) I am reuniting with lots of old friends I have drifted from the last few years, and I have an opportunity for a do-over. I get to have hope and wonder about a future. I get to find myself again. And I'm kind of excited about it. Nervous, scared, a little sad.... but excited!

G and I started having issues as soon as Prissy was born. I suffered from PPD but went to a doctor and got things under control. I think G must have had some kind of male version, but would not talk about it or do anything. So needless to say, things festered, feelings were hurt, needs were neglected, and problems piled on top of problems. We threw around the "D word" too often and our "marriage" became a "business relationship". We each had our job- He went to work to pay the bills, I took care of the home, dinner, and baby. And when we were in public, we faked a happy family, and we smiled pretty for photos to share with the world. To convince ourselves or them, I don't know. That's just what we did. Finally, in May, prissy and I came up to Georgia to visit with my parents and give G and I a little break from each other. While I was here, I got a phone call that rocked my world. Our marriage wasn't perfect before, but it was OUR marriage... I thought. G denies it (most the time) but in my heart I know it's true. I prayed about it and begged God to show me how to forgive him. I didn't want our marriage to end. I didn't want my child to have a broken home. I didn't want to admit to my in-laws that we couldn't last forever. I didn't want to tell my family that my husband has went outside our marriage. I didn't want to tell the world I failed. I didn't want to break the promise I made to God "better or worse" "until death do us part". But then came another one. And another one. And it just seemed to have no end. One lie after another. One poor choice after another. One grain of salt too many in our already wounded marriage. So Prissy and I made the move. We are now living in GA with my parents. I start work next week and hope soon to be able to pay down some of the debts we built up in my name during my marriage and be in a position to get our own place soon. I am grateful to my parents for welcoming us and allowing us all the time I need to be ready to be on my own. A single mama. Alone.

We still aren't divorced, but we are separated, and I suppose divorce is inevitable. But that's a different post for a different day ;)

And because this was such a long post and needs a photo, here are a few from our last family session. Last year for Prissy's 1st birthday. Taken by my sweet friends & wonderful photographers Scarlett & Stephen







I am able to love these photos without having to love the man in them or the argument we had in the car on the way. And one day, prissy will cherish these.

Now you're all caught up. Or at least as caught up as I am going to bring you for now. Promise not to be a bitter bitch forever ;)

2 comments:

  1. Glad to be following your blog now. Although the days can be hard, just remember you are doing what is best for you and your sweet little girl! Can't wait to follow along on your journey!

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  2. I commend you for putting this out there for the world to see! It's not easy to admit that things aren't perfect but it's the truth and it's real. People appreciate that. I do anyway! I'm happy that you are happy again.

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