Saturday, October 20, 2012

A Day Late & An Outfit Short

Well, I'm linking up with Rachel again... So welcome to Friday Strut: Saturday edition! I am a day late and an outfit short, but hopefully the extra picture of priss makes up for it (=


 Tuesday. Scarf target, shirt old navy, pants kohls
 wednesday. this was a little out of my comfort zone. all my favorite things in 1 outfit. I liked it though. top target skinny cords old navy
 old navy top, i wore my red pants, bridier baubles red bangles Thursday
old navy scarf and sweater for friday

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: Pumpkin Patch












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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Finding the Balance

Let me start this with a warning. I am going to bitch. I am going to be dramatic. I am going to cry. I am putting it out there. I hate this post already. I feel like it has been posted a million times by a million moms. And will be posted a million more. But, I guess that means I'm not alone and it's a real problem for so many of us.

When I got pregnant, I was married. I planned my pregnancy. I had a plan for how I (we) would raise my (our) child(ren). I would be a SAHM. I would raise our children. I would be there. I wouldn't miss the big or small things. We wouldn't have to worry about our child during the day because she would be with me. We would have financial problems, we would have resentment about one getting a break with adult conversation and one not having a "real job" (I know, we could all argue that). We would have struggles. But, those struggles wouldn't include leaving our baby at daycare.

Then things changed. HE changed. HE threw our plans out the window. HE left me in a shitty situation. From every corner, I feel shitted. And yes, I blame him. He is the one that changed. He is the one that made promises to me, to her, and broke them. He is the one that put us in this situation. And I hate him for it. I hate him. I feel like he is off on the beach doing what HE wants, not being concerned about the real life struggles that I- and more importantly- his child may be facing. I hate him. But..... I can't blame him forever. I know that. But I still have to say it. Had he not made the choices he made, I would not be in the position I am in. So there's that. Maybe one day I will look at this as a small bump in the road and will be in a much better place and maybe- maybe even be thankful that this happened because it will lead me to my true happily ever after. But I'm not there. Right now, today, I am just in shit. And I blame him.

Now, I'm a working mom. As so many of you are. And so many of you seem to have it together. You have a routine, you seem to have a balance. I'm not there. I'm in a constant state of panic, anxiety, and on the verge of an absolute breakdown. All. The. Time. How do I get out of this place and over to where you are? How do I find the balance?



I work 4pm-12am with a 30~ish minute drive. So when I get home, it's usually 12:30 or so, then I just can't wind down and fall asleep for an hour at least. This puts me to sleep closer to 2 than 12. My sweet girl wakes me up between 7 and 9. I like the 9 days a lot more than the 7 but those are few and far between. I feel sleepy. I feel guilty that I'm not more present and alert during my time with her. My few hours a day with her. I am rushing to clean, to make calls, to get her ready, fed, put down for a nap, shower myself. I feel guilt that I'm not spending every minute of those hours playing with her, loving her, totally in the moment with her. But, unfortunately, life is happening around us and I have to handle certain things and those things take away from my time with her. I still cry every single day when I leave her. We moved her naps around so I can leave while she is asleep. No need for us both to cry. I watch the clock at work and think "oh she is probably eating now. I hope they remembered to give her x, y, and z. I hope she eats good for them" and "oh right now she is probably in the bath." she loves bath time. It used to be the highlight of my day. I looked forward to it and miss watching her splash around. I watch the clock all night and keep a running mental list of all the things I am missing. Anything cuter than a baby in pajamas? I don't think so. And I don't get to cuddle her every night in her jammies and put her to down. I don't get to sneak a snack past "cut-off time" or read her a story or brush her hair or enjoy that freshly cleaned and lotioned smell. I miss it. I MISS HER. And I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she feels like one day she woke up and her daddy was gone. Then fast forward 2 months and she wakes up one day and her mommy is slipping away too.

I feel like I am failing around every turn. As my eyes blurr from tears writing this, I am running a mental list of all the ways I am failing. Just as a mother. Forget the long list of failures I'm sure he-who-shall-not-be-named could rattle off as a wife. Or my family could list as a daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, aunt, etc. Those things all matter. But not as much as me as a mother. No, me as a mommy. Being a mommy is more important than being a mother. A mother is defined as a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child. I want to be more than the woman that supplied the ovum. Right now, I'm not feeling like much more. I feel in-and-out. I feel like my mom is stepping into my "mommy" role. I resent her. I resent coming home and hearing all the new things that she got to experience with her that I missed. I resent that she knows the schedule better than I do. I resent that she knows better what she eats, when we need pull-up's, when the milk is low or juice or whatever. I resent her. And how terrible is that! I have asked them to give up their space, take on me and my child, as well as all of our expenses, rearrange her schedule, cancel her plans, and accommodate the two of us. She has bent over backwards to help us through this dark time. And I am resenting her. I want to be there. I want to be the one with her. I want to be the one enjoying this time that is slipping through my fingers like sand. I can't slow it down. I can't grab on to anything. I'm missing out. And I don't see the answer. I can't see a better way.

So... tell me, what is your working mama secret? How do you balance it out? How do you keep all the balls in the air? How do you make the most of your time with your kids?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Monday Link-ups!

Happy Monday!
I hope you had a great weekend. I know we sure did. I decided to put off some of the things I needed to take care of or pay in order to spoil my girl a little bit. I had the BEST time with her this weekend. Post on that coming later in the week (=

Today, I am linking up with 2 bloggers that I have been following for a while, even during my blogging hiatus, I kept up with them and their sweet boys through twitter and instagram.

First up, is my "cheat" link up. Meredith { the tichenor family. } is hosting a "Social Media Little Skeletons Pajama Party"! Now, I will admit, priss wore these over the weekend. I couldn't wait to put them on her. And I work nights so I wouldn't get to even enjoy them if I waited until tonight. So, I'm cheating....




 These pictures aren't great, but she was in quite a playful mood and it took all I had to get even these. As you can see, she was in a jumping on the bed, dancing the night away kind of mood. The giggles made it worth sacrificing a perfectly posed pajama photo ;)

You can join the party too! Just use hashtag #skeletonpajamaparty on instagram or twitter. Or blog your photos and link up (=







I am also linking up with AP at ILYMTC today for her weekly Project Pinterest link up!
Is everyone sick of avocado yet? I'm not! I love it, and I am loving all the ways to prepare it that I keep finding everywhere.

Egg & Avocado Sandwich.....
I was a little skeptical of this recipe, but I had all the ingredients so I figure why not.



I followed the recipe exactly. But it didnt look creamy like the picture does. So I'm convinced they added something they didn't share with the rest of us. BUT, I will let you in on my secret. French dressing. I added frech dressing to the mix and that added a little tang as well as made it more creamy and held the avocado/egg mixture together. It was muuuch better than I anticipated! My mom ate some on crackers, I had a sandwich, and I think it would probably be good as just a lettuce wrap too if you're looking to cut out the bread....


 
 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Friday Strutting

Linkin up with Rachel again for outfit Friday.

 It finally cooled down here in Middle GA so I was quick to pull out this leopard beauty I bought at the end of season sale last year! I love it. Been waiting all summer to cozy up in it..
 Sick day spent with the Dr. Those kinds of days call for legging as pants.
 Repeated this cardigan from last week with a floral sleeveless that probably won't get much more wear now that it's cooled down.
 Obviously. I wear this scarf every week!
 Casual Friday brought to you by Old Navy
And just because it makes me laugh when people use my name and "cute, well dressed, fashion, style, etc" in the same sentence, this is what I look like when not going to work! ;)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

All is "fair" in love and war?

Well, it's that time of year. The fair is here! This used to be my very favorite week of the year. I like to go one day for rides, one day for food and then another day to look and maybe go to a concert. I kinda loved the fair.

Notice the past tense? "used to" and "loveD"...

You see, he-who-shall-not-be-named knew my love for the fair and decided to go all Notebook on me and proposed at the fair. On the ferris wheel. At the top. It was amazing. Thoughtful, exciting, perfect.

Then for our first anniversary, we went back for our photos. We played some more and after the shoot, we went back on the ferris wheel and traveled memory lane.

The following year I was huge pregnant. We went, but they wouldn't let me ride anything.. not even the ferris wheel. We just walked, ate caramel apples and talked about when we could take A up and tell her our love story.

The year after that, he was away, I was busy, life crept up on us and we didn't go.

Now this year... this year, I was excited as usual. Counting down. Then it came time to actually go. Y'all, I am scared. I do not want to make it about me. I want to take A and enjoy it with her, have fun, see the animals, maybe ride a few rides, eat food we can only get at the fair. Make new memories with her. But the reality is I'm terrified that it won't go that way and everything will just be a reminder and I won't be able to enjoy it. And as I posted about (here) if I'm not happy, she can't be either. And I want her to be happy. All the time. I don't want to ruin a fun day for her by dwelling on my own miseries and not being able to enjoy the moment.

The fair will still be here for one more weekend. I am going back and forth about going. I may give in and go. But right now, I'm kinda thinking maybe one more year will do me some good...



Saturday, October 6, 2012

Mimi's Glasses

This blog doesn't have enough pictures of Miss Priss! I know, it's no good. So I am making the effort to remedy that. More priss is coming (=
 
She is obsessed with mimi's glasses. She likes for mimi to wear them on the tip of her nose and look at her over the top of them. But even more than that, she likes to wear them herself!
 
So the other day when she snuck them, before I got them from her and explained "no no we don't mess with mimi's glasses." I decided to grab the camera.
 
 
 



 Good God, I love this sweet girl...
 Her mama's child. She loves a sparkle (=

Friday, October 5, 2012

Friday Struttin

Linking up with Rachel again this week for Outfit Friday!

 Monday. I love this green blazer! I  wear it a lot more than I thought I would when I bought it.
 Tuesday. Hat day at work. Still had my feminine touch with the ruffled cardigan.
 Wednesday.. this is one of those outfits I pull out when I'm not in the mood to get dressed (note the side braid). The sequined cardigan make me feel like I'm "dressed" but the tank is so soft, flowy, and I don't even have to "suck it in" all night. Winning!
Thursday. "Red for Unity" day at work. Paired it with gold & leopard loafers from Target. They get worn ALOT! I consider leopard the new black. LoL

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Confessions of an (almost) ex-wife

You know, I feel like there's so much pressure to be angry. To hate an ex. To curse the day he was born. To regret everything about them. And believe me, there is plenty of anger, hate, and cursing in my heart to go around- for him, and all the assclowns that have inserted themselves into my marriage/divorce. But... Yep, there's a but... BUT sometimes, just sometimes, I hate a little less than others. And if you're going through something similar, you may have moments too. It's OK. We are messed up... but I think in a normal, healthy way.

So, here are a few of my confessions, in the expected bullet point fashion...

  • Tonight, I got to call Lizard Lick towing. I was SO excited. But also? I got a little lump in my throat. This was one of those shows he-who-shall-not-be-named used to watch together. I dutifully acted like I was watching it "for him" but secretly liked it too. I was kind of sad that he wouldn't be home waiting up for me like I used to when he worked nights. I was kind of sad that he wouldn't even be open to a conversation. I wanted to share it with him. I wanted him to get excited and ask me a million questions (to which I would roll my eyes and ask him why he asks so many dumb questions that aren't even relevant).
  • Monday we had an auction. I was like Dave from Storage Wars. Another show I watched "for him". Again, I was sad I couldn't go home and laugh with him about it. "YEEEEEPPP!!!"
  • When this all came about, I didn't have the luxury of a breakdown. I was too busy. I had to move forward. Fast. I wanted to go to bed and sink into depression, crying for a week or 2. I couldn't. So sometimes, little things send me into a full on ugly cry. Like hearing the song on the radio that one of the homewrecking whores his female friends sent him lyrics to. Or the song that he played in the car on our first date. (totally opposite songs for obv totally different reasons). Or watching the premiers of all the fall shows... we watched the finales together. It feels strange.
  • I am preparing to move A to a "big girl" bed. Another ugly cry came when I thought of her crib. I had a flashback to the day WE assembled that crib together. Well, mostly him, but I helped. He kissed my belly. We fantasized about how many times we would take that crib apart and put it together again. We got a convertible crib so we anticipated setting up her college apartment one day with that bed. We would be doing it together. Together. Us. Sending our sweet girl to college. And reminiscing on the first time we ever assembled it before she even arrived. We... well at least I... never imagined that less than two years later I would be assembling that crib alone into my parents house. Without him. Once I realized how hard this was, I decided to give the crib to my sister. I just can't handle the thought of having those feelings every time I move her bed. So now she and I get to go and pick out a big girl bed. Which, by the way, if any of you have tips, send them my way! I'm scared....
  • 2 bulldogs were dropped at my parents' house. We were looking for a home for them but in the process we all fell in love. They just have a special place in our heart, watching them grow and become healthy and less timid. We love them. We are keeping them. He loves pits. He had one when we first got married. I talk about that dog a lot. Then I think about that first year together when we had our dogs. That was a good year (besides the inlaw drama). I mourn THAT relationship.

So there you have it. A few moments, just this week, that I slipped up. I didn't hate him as much as I know I should. I just wanted to talk to him. I just wanted the last 6 months to be different. To have never happened.

But don't worry, like I said, still plenty of hate in this ole heart of mine.

Have any of you had break-up's or divorces? Did you go through these same highs and lows? Did they last forever? Tell me it's totally normal but will be a distant memory in a year's time..
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