Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Confessions of an (almost) ex-wife

You know, I feel like there's so much pressure to be angry. To hate an ex. To curse the day he was born. To regret everything about them. And believe me, there is plenty of anger, hate, and cursing in my heart to go around- for him, and all the assclowns that have inserted themselves into my marriage/divorce. But... Yep, there's a but... BUT sometimes, just sometimes, I hate a little less than others. And if you're going through something similar, you may have moments too. It's OK. We are messed up... but I think in a normal, healthy way.

So, here are a few of my confessions, in the expected bullet point fashion...

  • Tonight, I got to call Lizard Lick towing. I was SO excited. But also? I got a little lump in my throat. This was one of those shows he-who-shall-not-be-named used to watch together. I dutifully acted like I was watching it "for him" but secretly liked it too. I was kind of sad that he wouldn't be home waiting up for me like I used to when he worked nights. I was kind of sad that he wouldn't even be open to a conversation. I wanted to share it with him. I wanted him to get excited and ask me a million questions (to which I would roll my eyes and ask him why he asks so many dumb questions that aren't even relevant).
  • Monday we had an auction. I was like Dave from Storage Wars. Another show I watched "for him". Again, I was sad I couldn't go home and laugh with him about it. "YEEEEEPPP!!!"
  • When this all came about, I didn't have the luxury of a breakdown. I was too busy. I had to move forward. Fast. I wanted to go to bed and sink into depression, crying for a week or 2. I couldn't. So sometimes, little things send me into a full on ugly cry. Like hearing the song on the radio that one of the homewrecking whores his female friends sent him lyrics to. Or the song that he played in the car on our first date. (totally opposite songs for obv totally different reasons). Or watching the premiers of all the fall shows... we watched the finales together. It feels strange.
  • I am preparing to move A to a "big girl" bed. Another ugly cry came when I thought of her crib. I had a flashback to the day WE assembled that crib together. Well, mostly him, but I helped. He kissed my belly. We fantasized about how many times we would take that crib apart and put it together again. We got a convertible crib so we anticipated setting up her college apartment one day with that bed. We would be doing it together. Together. Us. Sending our sweet girl to college. And reminiscing on the first time we ever assembled it before she even arrived. We... well at least I... never imagined that less than two years later I would be assembling that crib alone into my parents house. Without him. Once I realized how hard this was, I decided to give the crib to my sister. I just can't handle the thought of having those feelings every time I move her bed. So now she and I get to go and pick out a big girl bed. Which, by the way, if any of you have tips, send them my way! I'm scared....
  • 2 bulldogs were dropped at my parents' house. We were looking for a home for them but in the process we all fell in love. They just have a special place in our heart, watching them grow and become healthy and less timid. We love them. We are keeping them. He loves pits. He had one when we first got married. I talk about that dog a lot. Then I think about that first year together when we had our dogs. That was a good year (besides the inlaw drama). I mourn THAT relationship.

So there you have it. A few moments, just this week, that I slipped up. I didn't hate him as much as I know I should. I just wanted to talk to him. I just wanted the last 6 months to be different. To have never happened.

But don't worry, like I said, still plenty of hate in this ole heart of mine.

Have any of you had break-up's or divorces? Did you go through these same highs and lows? Did they last forever? Tell me it's totally normal but will be a distant memory in a year's time..

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