Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Finding the Balance

Let me start this with a warning. I am going to bitch. I am going to be dramatic. I am going to cry. I am putting it out there. I hate this post already. I feel like it has been posted a million times by a million moms. And will be posted a million more. But, I guess that means I'm not alone and it's a real problem for so many of us.

When I got pregnant, I was married. I planned my pregnancy. I had a plan for how I (we) would raise my (our) child(ren). I would be a SAHM. I would raise our children. I would be there. I wouldn't miss the big or small things. We wouldn't have to worry about our child during the day because she would be with me. We would have financial problems, we would have resentment about one getting a break with adult conversation and one not having a "real job" (I know, we could all argue that). We would have struggles. But, those struggles wouldn't include leaving our baby at daycare.

Then things changed. HE changed. HE threw our plans out the window. HE left me in a shitty situation. From every corner, I feel shitted. And yes, I blame him. He is the one that changed. He is the one that made promises to me, to her, and broke them. He is the one that put us in this situation. And I hate him for it. I hate him. I feel like he is off on the beach doing what HE wants, not being concerned about the real life struggles that I- and more importantly- his child may be facing. I hate him. But..... I can't blame him forever. I know that. But I still have to say it. Had he not made the choices he made, I would not be in the position I am in. So there's that. Maybe one day I will look at this as a small bump in the road and will be in a much better place and maybe- maybe even be thankful that this happened because it will lead me to my true happily ever after. But I'm not there. Right now, today, I am just in shit. And I blame him.

Now, I'm a working mom. As so many of you are. And so many of you seem to have it together. You have a routine, you seem to have a balance. I'm not there. I'm in a constant state of panic, anxiety, and on the verge of an absolute breakdown. All. The. Time. How do I get out of this place and over to where you are? How do I find the balance?



I work 4pm-12am with a 30~ish minute drive. So when I get home, it's usually 12:30 or so, then I just can't wind down and fall asleep for an hour at least. This puts me to sleep closer to 2 than 12. My sweet girl wakes me up between 7 and 9. I like the 9 days a lot more than the 7 but those are few and far between. I feel sleepy. I feel guilty that I'm not more present and alert during my time with her. My few hours a day with her. I am rushing to clean, to make calls, to get her ready, fed, put down for a nap, shower myself. I feel guilt that I'm not spending every minute of those hours playing with her, loving her, totally in the moment with her. But, unfortunately, life is happening around us and I have to handle certain things and those things take away from my time with her. I still cry every single day when I leave her. We moved her naps around so I can leave while she is asleep. No need for us both to cry. I watch the clock at work and think "oh she is probably eating now. I hope they remembered to give her x, y, and z. I hope she eats good for them" and "oh right now she is probably in the bath." she loves bath time. It used to be the highlight of my day. I looked forward to it and miss watching her splash around. I watch the clock all night and keep a running mental list of all the things I am missing. Anything cuter than a baby in pajamas? I don't think so. And I don't get to cuddle her every night in her jammies and put her to down. I don't get to sneak a snack past "cut-off time" or read her a story or brush her hair or enjoy that freshly cleaned and lotioned smell. I miss it. I MISS HER. And I wonder if she misses me. I wonder if she feels like one day she woke up and her daddy was gone. Then fast forward 2 months and she wakes up one day and her mommy is slipping away too.

I feel like I am failing around every turn. As my eyes blurr from tears writing this, I am running a mental list of all the ways I am failing. Just as a mother. Forget the long list of failures I'm sure he-who-shall-not-be-named could rattle off as a wife. Or my family could list as a daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, aunt, etc. Those things all matter. But not as much as me as a mother. No, me as a mommy. Being a mommy is more important than being a mother. A mother is defined as a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child. I want to be more than the woman that supplied the ovum. Right now, I'm not feeling like much more. I feel in-and-out. I feel like my mom is stepping into my "mommy" role. I resent her. I resent coming home and hearing all the new things that she got to experience with her that I missed. I resent that she knows the schedule better than I do. I resent that she knows better what she eats, when we need pull-up's, when the milk is low or juice or whatever. I resent her. And how terrible is that! I have asked them to give up their space, take on me and my child, as well as all of our expenses, rearrange her schedule, cancel her plans, and accommodate the two of us. She has bent over backwards to help us through this dark time. And I am resenting her. I want to be there. I want to be the one with her. I want to be the one enjoying this time that is slipping through my fingers like sand. I can't slow it down. I can't grab on to anything. I'm missing out. And I don't see the answer. I can't see a better way.

So... tell me, what is your working mama secret? How do you balance it out? How do you keep all the balls in the air? How do you make the most of your time with your kids?

3 comments:

  1. oh sweet momma...

    you are not alone in how you feel. but you are looking at the glass half empty...you are giving yourself no credit...and girl. you deserve credit.
    you work because you have to...there is NO shame in that.
    you may feel guilty that you are missing things....but dont carry thr guilt around on your shoulders....let it go. i know its easier said than done.
    spend as much time as you can with your little dollie...make fun memories. those memories are the ones she will remember....i promise.

    but if you come home from work stressed and sad..go to bed sad..you will most likely wake up stressed and sad. and lil miss feeds off of you. so take a deep breath and just try to let some of the stress ans guilt roll off your shoulders.
    no mom is perfect and every mom..working or not..has their own balance. no two moms do things the same way...you have to find what works for you & it wont happen over night.

    & as far as the resentment of your mom goes...i whole heartedly understand....im.in a different situation but same issue/feeling.
    instead of resentment...try to look at it as....help. thank goodness you have her help..cause if you didnt...what would you do? be thankful (im not saying that you arent) but when u are home with lil miss...ask ur mom to maybe gove yall some time alone..so ur daughter will focus on you...
    you had a lot thrown at you and id say you are doing a wonderful job....time will form a routine...and you will feel so much better if you could let some guilt and stress go.

    prayers for you sweet lady
    <3
    xo
    jacylann
    themrsnix on IG

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  2. Oh honey I am so sorry. The only secret to make everything work is prayer. Pray specifically for all these feelings you are having and ask the Lord to wipe them clean and take away all the worry. This is just Satan messing with you and taking away your happiness. The Lord wants you to ask for His help. You are a fantastic mother and Aubrey is so lucky to have you. One day she is going to look back and see what you sacrificed to ensure she had a happy life and never missed a beat when her daddy left. The lessons she will learn from this are endless and it could be the very reason this is happening. When you are with her, enjoy her and do not be stressed. If you are happy when you are with her, she will be even happier and that alone is worth every minute away. I am going to be praying for you both, as well as your family. You can get through this... just lean on the Lord!!! Love you girl!

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  3. oh girl. my heart is breaking for you. i cannot relate to this exact situation but i know we share this - the love for our children. that girl knows in the depths of her heart she is loved. you are doing the very best you can. you survive right now. this is new and just like the baby bottle phase and the waking every hour phase - it will pass and you'll get your feet under you. i would pray for a friend that has gone this road before - to encourage you and share how she did it. not one that "knows it all" one that can listen and say "i know" and pray for help. someone that can truly help you with no strings attached when you're at the end of your rope. i am praying today for you. i think you're awesome and i just met you by clicking through twitter. hang in there. i'm so glad she was born to you because she'll know the strength of what one mom can do through determination and love. lean on your Heavenly Father. he really does love you and wants to walk through this with you.

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