Saturday, December 8, 2012

Truth is...

Well my first truth is that this post is going to ramble. Maybe make no sense. May get some judgement. But I've posted things like that before. And while I got some meanness, I was amazed by the private "me too" messages. So that's who I'm writing this for.

Truth is I don't know what I'm doing. I'm barely surviving one day at a time. Some days hour at a time. And sometimes? Sometimes I just focus on taking the next breath. Seriously. I find myself silently saying to myself "in.... Out... In... Out..."

Truth is I second guess my decision to leave almost daily lately. I thought I was getting better then... Well, I wasn't. I don't know if it's my upcoming anniversary (or whatever it's called now) or all the happy happy families shoving all their happiness right down my social media throat. (that didn't sound bitter at all right? LoL) but lately I'm struggling with my decision. Did I do the right thing? Did I give him a chance to make it right? Did I have all the necessary facts? Will I regret this once it's too late? Will my daughter understand? Will I be happy again. Do we really only get one chance? Who really knows how God will feel- yes the bible mentions divorce but it also mentions forgiveness. A lot.

Truth is I really want one of those mazel sweatshirts Andy always gives away on WWHL. I know, random on this post but it's playing in the background & it popped in my head.

Truth is I hope my future husband isn't reading this. Because this truth is that my sex drive? Non-existent. Like, zilch. And the truth is I feel great relief in divorce because there is no pressure in my empty bed. Although, another hard truth is that perhaps if I would have "cowgirled up" during my marriage, my husband wouldn't have felt the way he did and I wouldn't be sleeping in that empty bed. Ouch, right?

Truth is I talk about turning to God a lot since all of this happened. But today I realized the part I'm missing. I've been reading Jesus Calling. Today the line that caught me was "Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed." did you catch that? I came to Him. In my (very very) neediness. With a desire to be blessed. But the part I missed? "with defenses down". That's the trick. With defenses down... How do I do that? That's my struggle.

2 comments:

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  2. Jules, This is such a refreshing post. Sometimes I struggle with the "defenses down" part too. But He already knows I'm messed up, so then I feel like a dork for trying to be all "Here's the part of me I'm willing to give over to you." Does that make any sense? Probably not. But I totally related to this!

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