Saturday, January 26, 2013

Weekend Brain Dump

The title isn't witty or misleading at all. That's exactly what this is. A random collection of thoughts rattling around in my head that I just need to dump out so I can start fresh. Recently, on instagram a sweet friend that I met randomly and have so enjoyed talking to on the internet for the last 2 years (hi Tara!) mentioned she was "ready for another blog post". I'll admit, I have been a little slack lately. I started this blog with the intentions of being honest. Real. And not always sugar coating with fabulousness. Well, with that, I was told that I 'play the victim' on the blog and look for sympathy a lot. That isn't my intention. My intention was to show my struggles and flaws. My intention is to show the triumphs and sad truths in raising a child through a failed marriage. My intention is to show that things aren't always perfect but I can still find joy in my circumstance and take opportunity to learn new things in the meantime. But, regardless of my intention, perception is reality. And some people's perception is that I 'play victim'. Well, Tara said it best "if they don't like it they don't have to read it". I was scared to blog much of substance because I didn't want to come off as whiney or victimized or, lets face it, even boring. So even if Tara is the only one left reading, then that's OK with me. I didn't start the blog for sponsors or big follower numbers or flooded inbox comments. I started to share and hopefully make a difference for someone. So I'm going to continue. And if you don't like it, then there are plenty of other blogs for you to click on.

So to start fresh, I first have to purge all the things rumbling around in my head right now and just get it out. So here we go, from politics to vodka and everything in between!

It has to be said... see that round thing between my boobs and waist? Yeah. It's not a tumor or a growth or a parasite or anything else. It is Aubrey Jo. She was in there. Her heart was beating (long before I even peed on a stick actually). The faces she made in her ultrasounds are the same faces she makes now as a 2 year old. She had mannerisms already! If someone would have walked up to me on the beach this day and shot me in the head, they would have been charged with murder. The news wouldn't say "man arrested on murder charges after shooting  that resulted in the death of a woman" they would say "man is arrested on murder charges after shooting that resulted in the death of a woman and her unborn child". They would recognize that he killed TWO people. However, if I would have waltzed into planned parenthood and aborted, I would have just simply been exercising my right to choose. I want to cry every time this topic comes up. I don't understand. Any woman that has had an ultrasound knows that before you see a shape, you can only see a flashing white blurp on the screen. And what is that? It's the heartbeat.

I finally bought those VS sweat pants I've been wanting. The only color they had in my size were white. I should have thought about what a terrible awful idea that was right away but I was so excited to find them on the semi-annual clearance that I couldn't think straight. When they came in, I literally changed my clothes right in the living room and wore them the rest of the day. Wash, dry, don't fold & put away though- oh no- because I wore them again. And then it happened. Sitting so cozy on the couch watching my Housewives on DVR one morning drinking my coffee. (guess where this is going) Aubrey Jo comes running from across the room and DIVES into the couch beside me. Coffee spilt. On my white pants. Yall... I CRIED! Yes, cried. And I was so angry at her. I was in the kitchen, crying, and cursing to myself, angry that I spent the money on them, angry that 'I can't have any nice things' while I was furiously scrubbing them. And then in comes Aubrey Jo. Holding a wipe, trying to help me clean my pants. Sweet right? Except that before wiping my pants, she popped my bottom & pointed her little finger at me. I died laughing. Died! I immediately forgot how annoyed I was and was chasing her around getting her kisses, thanking God for the reminder not to take everything so seriously & to just enjoy her while she's little. I will have plenty of time for white pants when she is older & I will miss this time.

Speaking of spending too much on dumb clothes... don't tell anyone, but I don't get the Matilda Jane thing. I don't dislike it perse... I just... don't get it. They're a bit pricey for what they appear to be worth. Just my opinion. Don't hate me. Your kids are precious. I just have to budget and my splurges will not include any MJ pieces. Love ya, mean it!

Are there places where you can rent cold weather clothes? Seriously. I don't want to spend $$ for winter coats that will get worn less than a dozen times a year. But, we have had a few pretty darn cold days this year! Especially at midnight when I'm leaving work and walking to my car. BRRR

I let the jerk at the liquor store convince me that this "tastes just like cookie dough" even though he wouldn't give me a sample first. Let me tell you, it does NOT! I am a big fan of the cotton candy one, but this not so much. It tastes like vodka... with chocolate syrup. But now I have a whole bottle of it. So I gotta drink it. Does anyone else have this? What do you mix it with? I'm thinking maybe a vodka float with choc chip cookie dough ice cream? yay or nay? I don't want to ruin perfectly good ice cream. Help me.. I can't buy the cotton candy one until I have cleared this one out.

Any other Private Practice fans? Yall, I died when I heard this version of No Diggity! Seriously, this is amazing! Like, I want it played at my wedding. I had to rewind a few times to confirm that this is in fact what I was hearing. I love it!

I shared this conversation on facebook yesterday. She cracks me up sometimes....
Me: one day, I'm going to leave you with Mimi while I go get a cocktail.
Aubrey: no
Me: that's what most 20 something's do, ya know.
Aubrey: (pats her baby she's holding) NO!
Me: yes! I'm gunna go get my drink on & dance on tables!
Aubrey: throws baby down, arms in the air, dancing to the door.
... She missed the whole "leave you with Mimi" part.

Did I miss why I am supposed to care about a football players pretend girlfriend? I don't care. And I am annoyed that other people do. I'm sick of seeing it on my news and my news feed.

Or why I care about anything in this pictures besides Beyonce's earrings? I really like them... they are sparking my obsession for the green pop earrings again. Remember these? The original...

I hate everything about this woman, mostly just because I hate one thing homewrecker but I do love her earrings!

Well, now that I've gotten a few blah blah blahs out of the way, look forward to normal posts in the future. Posts that maybe are just slightly less all over the place.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Just Like Usher!

I feel like Usher humming "these are my confessions..." while typing up this post.
Part 2 of my Confessions of an (almost) ex-wife

Life is full of little surprises. Those surprises are even more when your life is facing big changes. Both good and bad. And here are a few realities- confessions if you will- of the surprises my changing life has brought.

  • I was very anxious about taking photos back in November for the first time without him. Turned out, trying to capture the photo from your pinterest dreams with a 2 year old is enough of a distraction that I didn't miss him.
  • The next month however, when I went to order Christmas cards, I felt very unnatural. How do I sign the card? Do I include photos of me or just her? Do I send him one? Do I send his family one? Is it inappropriate to get a family focused card, is it ironic to get a biblical based card (being that I am a divorcing heathen), is it insensitive to get a happy happy joy joy card?
    For the record- I signed it just with our first names. I included a photo of us together and one of just her. I did not send him one. I sent one only to the brother & his wife that has ever shown interest in being part of A's life. I went with one that wasn't so themed because I just couldnt decide what's appropriate.
  • I have been thinking a lot about what I want in a partner. Deal breakers and sorts. Scarlett inspired me to write a "Relationship Manifesto". Through that, I obviously focused on a lot of things that I liked about my 1st marriage that I would like more of in the next relationship and the failures of my 1st marriage that I would like to avoid. It started off being a lot about what I wanted in a man... based off of what I hated about the first man. I got halfway through and realized the man I was festo'ing (get it? no? it's funny...) was probably not writing a manifesto of the woman that I am today. I have a lot to do to myself to be the kind of wife my future husband would want to be married to.
  • I probably need therapy. I trust nobody. My best friend asked the other day for a photo of priss and I thought "hmm I wonder what she wants that for" when the reality is she has asked that question a million times over the last 2 years and it never bothered me before. That's just one example. I'm cray...
  • I totally let myself go. I was the epitome of what all the single girls say they never want to become. I didn't notice it at the time. In the moment, I didn't care about the little things. My husband probably did, but he didn't say so. I have recently noticed all of the stains/tears in my clothes. I can't remember my last brow wax. I didn't even own any nail polish that was good (who knew it expired!). I didn't own a single pair of "real" pajamas. I owned 1 pair of jeans that fit. I am making a better effort to take pride in myself. Not just my appearance though, my attitude, my beliefs, my passions, my friendships, myself. I am raising a little girl that watches everything I do and is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.
  • Sometimes... when I am feeling low, when my job is testing me, when I am longing for someone to talk to, when I start aching for another baby (ahh!) I miss him. I slip up & miss him. Still. I cry and wonder if I threw away my only chance at forever. I hate him a little less and hate me for it a little more. I've talked about this before. I hope with time, it goes away. But it may not. Maybe I just get better at handling the feeling when it creeps up.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Let's Talk Baby Books

It seems like every morning when my sweet priss wakes up, she is noticably growing up. It has been so much fun watching her grow and enjoying each stage with her. But I do sometimes miss her being a wee wittle bitty baby boo boo goo girl! (I hate baby talk lol) I catch myself going to our storage and just looking at her old things or flipping through old photos all the time.

I keep her baby book handy because we did get the Baby's Record Book. Everytime I make an entry, I flip back and look at last year and her milestones or compare her growth. When I was pregnant, I made friends with the fiance of one of the guys I worked with. They had a daughter almost a year exactly before I had Aubrey Jo. They shared plenty of advice and hand-me-downs. I was very thankful for her and to have her to relate to. When I was over going through her daughter's old clothes one day, I saw her baby book. This is the one she used. I loved the format, layout and that it was the first 5 years rather than just the first year. Baby books have come such a long way since my mom was putting mine together. I left her house that day and went straight to Books-A-Million to buy this book. I couldn't wait to fill it out! It has a place to mark her growth as well as pockets to save things and auot-fill spots for milestones that honestly I may not have thought to write down if it wasn't already there. I would definitely recommend this book to any mamas to be...

The baby book though does have limited room for day-to-day and is mostly for milestones. Which is where Mom's One Line A Day comes in. This is also a 5 year book. But it is a daily journal type book. I didn't get this until this year. I don't think it's something that has to be started at a certain time. I think actually now it is more special than if I had gotten it the day she was born and started for the first 5 years. This will be the "first" 5 years of just the 2 of us so I think it's important to note the good of everyday to remember that things aren't all bad. One stressful email a week here and there no longer gets to control my mood everyday. Awesome things are happening and this helps keep me accountable to remember the good things. And one day I will show it to Aubrey Jo so she can read and flip through to see for herself since she won't remember these years much that we were still happy and she is so very much loved every single day. It doesn't have a whole lot of writing room. It really is what the name says ONE LINE a day. I have had so much fun though sitting down each night and writing a little note about what we did that day or a verse I read that I want to make note of for her or sometimes even just a hope I may have for her future. This is probably going to be one of my new go-to gifts for baby showers!

So dish. Am I missing out on any other mommy keepsake must haves? What baby books are you using? How do you like to document all little joys of motherhood?

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Housewife vs Homewrecker

First? I'm starting this post laughing. I am posting from my phone & as soon as I typed "homew" my phone tried to fill in HOMEWRECKING 4 times. Not homework or another normal person dictionary word. But HOMEWRECKING. And in all caps. My "smart"phone is living up to its title ;)

Did everyone catch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night? I've been anticipating this episode for weeks. Actually, since last season when Brandi & Scheana crossed paths at Lisa's party.

I'm going to ignore how Scheana must have felt because I don't give a rat's ass. But can you imagine what Brandi must have felt walking in? Getting ready that morning, knowing she would be spending her afternoon face to face with the other woman. I don't know if I change my opinion based on the shows seasons or my life's changing seasons but I look at her so differently this season. When she was first introduced, I would have never used the word "class" to describe anything about her. But wow! I would hope I could handle that conversation with as much class as she did.

Yes, you can't "steal" a man that doesn't want to go. The man is to blame. But the mistress isn't any less guilty in my opinion. She knew who he was. She knew what he had at home. She knew what she was doing. And she knew how it would end... In fact, she was probably hoping it would. I know a "woman" who said that she felt bad "laying claim" to a married "man" but "just couldn't help it". She knew. She knew darn well & didn't give a shit. In today's world of Internet & social media, it's hard not to know. Especially when the married man is a freaking celebrity. So yes, Eddie is scum. And should get the blame. He wasn't stolen, he chose to cheat. However, There's plenty of blame left for her.

With that said, hats off to Brandi. She totally kept it together and walked out of that restaurant looking like a mature, level headed, adult. The bigger person. A woman her children could be proud of. I don't know if I could have done the same. Instead of a shoulder pat, I would have been tempted to wrap my hands around her neck. I would have cursed. Probably used the term "homewrecking whore" a few times. (again my phone want to put that in caps lol) I realize this is reality TV. And sometimes reality tv is a "little" scripted. But this is her real life. And even if the whole conversation was scripted & produced for TV but the bottom line is that is her real life. And I don't know if I could even sit & pretend as well as she did.

Have you ever confronted someone that caused you pain? That may have forever changed the course of your life? If not, have you ever imagined what you would say if given the opportunity? Would you want to hear what they have to say? Would you even believe their words?

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Terr -ible? -ific? Twos!

"just wait until they turn two.. thats when the real fun starts"
I can't tell you how many times I heard this comment in the 24 months leading up to her 2nd birthday. Sometimes it annoyed me because I took it as a sarcastic comment and thought 'MY child will never be that terrible 2 year old' and other times I rolled my eyes because I was having fun with her at each stage before this birthday.
Now, almost 2 months into the other side of that birthday, I get it. It is the most exhausting, frustrating, hilarious, fun stage we have gone through yet!
TERRIBLE... She can throw a FIT yall. I mean... a fit. She has found her voice to say the least. When she says no, she means NO! And when I say no, she means she is going to turn it into a yes. She can throw down in the floor, kick them feet, and make sure everyone knows just how unhappy she is. And take her in public. I dare you. She knows then that we can't walk away and ignore. And we can't do much in the form of punishing her. And she takes full advantage of it. There have been a few times when I looked at her and said "if I was that kid's mom, I wouldn't tolerate that. nuh-uh. no way. no maam." Then I remember I AM her mom. And I am absolutely not 'taking her to the bathroom'. So here's my official apology to all the mom's with toddler I judged before I was that mom. And here's my official "oh suck it" to all the jerks giving me their know-it-all side eye.
She can muster up the biggest post pitiful crocodile tears you've ever seen. I should be strong enough to see through them, but I can't. She knows it works. And if they don't, she pouts out that bottom lip and then she knows she has me right where she wants me. From there, I'm broken and she knows a small hand hold or hug and she is golden.
She suddenly decided she didn't want to be potty trained anymore and will have days where I'm ready to go buy diapers and say forget it! I think she enjoys those days because she has both me and my mom giving her our full attention and asking 50 million times "do you need to go potty"? And of course she says no. And of course she really does. She laughs, goes just enough to wet her panties and then runs to the potty, goes, and claps for herself. If it wasn't ME doing all the laundry, I would probably laugh. She is good...
She has always been a fan of bath time. Working nights, I cherish the times that I am off and get to be the one to watch her splash and play even more!
I have been sick this week and she has been so good. We've napped together all day which means we are up late watching movies. It will probably be a pain to get back on a normal schedule, but I have so enjoyed this week with her.
We made the move to big girl bed. I have been on the hunt for the perfect big girl bedding but haven't had much luck. She doesn't seem to mind though. It has been a relatively easy transition. Much easier than I anticipated *knocks on wood*
This was right before our date last week. See that sweet angelic smiling face? It looked very different about half way through our meal... "the real fun" ;)
TERRIFIC... There is absolutely nothing more entertaining than a 2 year old's imagination. She got a play kitchen for Christmas and I have enjoyed watching her "wash her hands" and "boil tea" and "cook" on it everyday. She gets so excited when we gobble up what she brings us and is always bringing the tea pot around to refill our cups. 
She loves to play kitty cat. She crawls around and meows and if she comes to you and you dont "pet" her she will rub on your leg and meow until you do. She is the cutest kitten I've ever seen. And easier on my allergies too ;)
I don't know if it's the age or just the changes in our lifestyle, but she is SUCH a mama's girl. She was always a mama's girl in the sense that she preferred me, but it's just different now. She doesnt just prefer, but WANTS me. I was gone for 2 hours the other day and when I got back, she started crying and ran to me. She is always giving me hugs and kisses. And if my mom pretends that she's going to spank me, Aubrey Jo will run over to get between us. Sweet girl would take a spanking for me if she had to! She is a big fan of holding my hand and giving "eskimo" nose kisses. I soak it up! Can't get enough.
She is also covered in imaginary booboo's. She comes to me no less than 2 dozen times every single day pointing to a spot and saying "boo boo" with one of her trademark sad faces. If I try to just skimp by with patting it and saying "poor baby" she will tell me NO! and make kissy sounds. She needs to have her boo boo's kissed and there is no other option. I gladly oblige. Because the hard truth is that I won't always be able to kiss her boo boos and make everything all better so if it works for the imaginary ones, then I will take it as long as I can get it (=

So far I am really enjoying this stage she is in. I can't wait to see what else is in store for the terr -ible/-ific year leading up to the big third birthday!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2013 Goals

I feel like "New Years Resolutions" immediately translates to "I'm obligated to say it even though I have no intentions of following through". Right? Is that just me? Nevermind then...

I'm not entering 2013 with big plans of fitting back in pre-whatever pants. Or lemon & hot sauce cleanses. Or promises to quit wearing leggings as pants & start wearing makeup. While I'm sure those would be great plans & the people that have to look at me everyday would appreciate it, I'm a little more focused on other things for 2013. Perhaps 14 will be the year for a physical makeover... Or maybe 2015?

Here are my goals for 2013, in no particular order. Maybe writing & sharing them will help me hold myself accountable.

BE PRESENT. I posted before about finding the balance being a working mom. I still haven't got it all figured out. But I am going to make more effort to be present while we're together. Put my phone down. Turn off the tv. Miss an hour of sleep in the mornings if I need to. Just be totally present & in tune to her needs and wants when I'm with her. Even if we aren't going & doing. Just reading a book or playing with her babies or coloring a picture.

BE A BETTER FRIEND. I have been a selfish friend this year. I have relied to much on my friends' encouragement & support but haven't done much to return the favor or say thanks. So this year, I am putting that effort on my priorities. Both IRL & my "cyber" friends. Whether it be making myself get dressed & go to a lunch (I'm terrible about this. Esp now that I'm 40 minutes from town) or simply praying for a friend or sending happy surprises in the mail. I want to be the friend that I've needed.

TRUST IN THE LORD. More on this later. But I am going to quit making excuses or trying to handle things on my own. I like to be in control & I need to accept that He is in control and hand it over to Him. I feel like I don't deserve his grace & mercy. And the truth is, I don't. But for some reason, He hasn't given up on me. He has just been waiting for me to ask Him for help. To let my defenses down, & come to Him. So that's what I'm going to do. I am coming to Him feeling defeated, exhausted and angry with tear streaked cheeks. I shouldn't have waited so long. But I already feel relief because I KNOW he can do a better job than me and that He is already at work on my behalf.

FORGIVE. Along with finalizing my divorce & closing that chapter, my goal is to find a way to forgive G. Not say its ok or love him again, just forgive. And not so much for him, as I doubt he cares if I forgive him, but for me. The anger & resentment I carry only hurts me. He continues living his life & I am left carrying this weight on my heart. For myself & for my daughter (and perhaps a future family), I have to forgive. I think this will come along with the previous goal...

TAKE PRISSY ON VACATION. I know for a lot of you, this is weird. Vacations are a given for you. But for me, financially, this is not an easy goal. But since I'm living with my parents, this may be the best year to be able to pull it off. Even if it's nothing extravagant, it's something I want to do for her. For us both really.

PAY OFF DEBTS. This one is obvious. It's hard to move forward & start a new life if I'm still paying for the old one. I suck at budget. And hate paying for things that don't give me automatic satisfaction. Boring bills as I call them. But I refuse to drag the baggage from this marriage along with me any longer than I have to.

What are you looking forward to doing differently in 2013??
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