Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Just Like Usher!

I feel like Usher humming "these are my confessions..." while typing up this post.
Part 2 of my Confessions of an (almost) ex-wife

Life is full of little surprises. Those surprises are even more when your life is facing big changes. Both good and bad. And here are a few realities- confessions if you will- of the surprises my changing life has brought.

  • I was very anxious about taking photos back in November for the first time without him. Turned out, trying to capture the photo from your pinterest dreams with a 2 year old is enough of a distraction that I didn't miss him.
  • The next month however, when I went to order Christmas cards, I felt very unnatural. How do I sign the card? Do I include photos of me or just her? Do I send him one? Do I send his family one? Is it inappropriate to get a family focused card, is it ironic to get a biblical based card (being that I am a divorcing heathen), is it insensitive to get a happy happy joy joy card?
    For the record- I signed it just with our first names. I included a photo of us together and one of just her. I did not send him one. I sent one only to the brother & his wife that has ever shown interest in being part of A's life. I went with one that wasn't so themed because I just couldnt decide what's appropriate.
  • I have been thinking a lot about what I want in a partner. Deal breakers and sorts. Scarlett inspired me to write a "Relationship Manifesto". Through that, I obviously focused on a lot of things that I liked about my 1st marriage that I would like more of in the next relationship and the failures of my 1st marriage that I would like to avoid. It started off being a lot about what I wanted in a man... based off of what I hated about the first man. I got halfway through and realized the man I was festo'ing (get it? no? it's funny...) was probably not writing a manifesto of the woman that I am today. I have a lot to do to myself to be the kind of wife my future husband would want to be married to.
  • I probably need therapy. I trust nobody. My best friend asked the other day for a photo of priss and I thought "hmm I wonder what she wants that for" when the reality is she has asked that question a million times over the last 2 years and it never bothered me before. That's just one example. I'm cray...
  • I totally let myself go. I was the epitome of what all the single girls say they never want to become. I didn't notice it at the time. In the moment, I didn't care about the little things. My husband probably did, but he didn't say so. I have recently noticed all of the stains/tears in my clothes. I can't remember my last brow wax. I didn't even own any nail polish that was good (who knew it expired!). I didn't own a single pair of "real" pajamas. I owned 1 pair of jeans that fit. I am making a better effort to take pride in myself. Not just my appearance though, my attitude, my beliefs, my passions, my friendships, myself. I am raising a little girl that watches everything I do and is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.
  • Sometimes... when I am feeling low, when my job is testing me, when I am longing for someone to talk to, when I start aching for another baby (ahh!) I miss him. I slip up & miss him. Still. I cry and wonder if I threw away my only chance at forever. I hate him a little less and hate me for it a little more. I've talked about this before. I hope with time, it goes away. But it may not. Maybe I just get better at handling the feeling when it creeps up.

1 comment:

  1. I love your honesty.I think being able to admit your weaknesses, missing him, etc. demonstrates that you are open about everything and that you are on the road to becoming okay. Your strength really does amaze me. Praying for you always :)

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