Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Fooling God

I'm not sure if it's a flaw or if it's a great character trait, this confidence of mine. I think I'm so smart. I'm so smooth. I'm so good with words. I'm pretty slick.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I realized how totally ridiculous I am today driving home from work. I was driving home and praying. I was asking God to "fix" certain areas of my life. At the end of my long rambling prayer (I am not a pretty eloquent wordy prayer like some people.) I added "if it's Your will".

Ha. Ha. Ha.

"If it's your will"? Give me a break. The reality is that I add that at the end of my prayer to cover my a-s-s. (Can I say ass in a post about prayer? I did.) I don't say it because I genuinely mean "I just want this to go Your way, and I will rejoice in Your will being done". I say it because I feel guilty asking for so much. And because I know I'm not supposed to "want" things, especially not my way, in my time. I'm supposed to hand it over to God. And trust in His plan.

I wonder if God laughs when I throw that in at the end. If He rolls His eyes, shakes His head, and sighs heavily. He knows me. He knows the truth in that statement. He loves me anyways. I know that. But I have to wonder if He chuckles to Himself at my stubborn ways. Or if He wants to show Himself and punch me in the face. I don't know.. but I prefer to think He just laughs. Like I do when Aubrey Jo tells me she definitely ate her banana when I saw her in the corner of my eye throw it in the trash can. She cray... and so am I. He knows that. Right?

I'm such a "bad Christian". I know. I admit. I like to be in control. I like to make decisions. I like to have power over my situations. And when things go right, I like to be the one that gets the credit for making the right choices and making it happen. I even like taking credit for when things go wrong. As evidenced by this blog. I like to make sense, place blame, pin-point the start or the cause. I don't think I have it in me to just shrug and trust "it's God's will" and walk away with full faith that God has a plan and He is in control.

I hate myself for admitting that. But it's true. It's something I need to work on. But it's easier said than done. Surely I'm not the only one that is guilty of this. So, for my fellow "bad Christians" you are not alone. I'm here with you. Struggling. But hey, I'm going to keep praying. My way. And maybe one day I will wake up & realize that I believe that last line of my prayer. Rather than saying it out of obligation.

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