Monday, May 6, 2013

Confessions Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

I blogged about dating. But the truth is, I'm only an almost-ex-wife. And everybody knows "almost doesn't count" (bonus points if you can read that without singing the old Brandy favorite). So, for now, I'm still someone's wife. Which means I'm in no position to be someone else's girlfriend. I'm not saying that this is how everyone should do it. I'm just saying, for now, this is how my heart feels. As much as I may want to entertain the offer, I just feel wrong doing so. So hopefully those offers are still on the table when everything is said & done...

My husband doesn't share that feeling. (do you follow me on twitter? You should.) it's a strange feeling. Not surprising considering. But still strange.

Recently, everything I had convinced myself of about our marriage & when the deception began, changed. It was shattered. The rug ripped out from under me. A total punch to the gut. I feel like I started the process all over again.

Even with everything I know, part of me still 2nd guesses myself. Every. Single. Day. A friend told me to allow myself to believe what he was saying. To allow myself to be open to reconciliation. To see how it feels. To see if I could live with it. So I did. And it felt good… for moments. Then I would want to cry. Then I would wonder who was on the other end. Then it would feel normal. Then I hated myself. Then I liked it. Then I felt pathetic. It felt much like my marriage. And I know I can't go back to more of the same.

That doesn't mean I'm at total peace though. In fact, the ONLY peace I have is that, as Carrie said, the next time that he cheats? Oh you know it won't be on me. And of course it doesn't hurt that I walked away with the only good part of him. And as much as I loved him, I love her SO. MUCH. MORE.

Here's one for you. I really hate the person that told me what was happening last year. His life continued, he chose not to leave his wife, they are still a "happy" little family. I use quotes around happy because ... Lezbehonest ... He knows everyday. But even though I know that, I can't help but hate him for pushing my hand & destroying my "happy" little family when he wasn't willing to do the same. So much about this is very unfair.

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