Sunday, May 19, 2013

Holding On To the Fantasy

I had to confess to my mom tonight something I really did not want to have to say out loud.

I'm still holding on to the fantasy.

The fantasy of my marriage being until death do us part. (Our vows didn't include a whore clause.)

The fantasy of my daughter having both parents together.

The fantasy of having more children. (with the same baby daddy.) (I hate that term. But it makes me laugh.)

The fantasy of love conquering all.

The fantasy that he is going to wake up, full of regret, get his shit together, and show up on my doorstep to sweep me off my feet... Again. (I left another time amid rumors of infidelity in the beginning of our marriage. He didn't even let hours pass though before he was camping outside waiting to bring me home. I foolishly believed him obviously.)

The fantasy of happily ever after.

I was expecting judgement & anger from my mom. I was shocked at how understanding she was. Or at least pretended to be to my face. She said she thinks it's probably natural. And may never go away. It's ok to still have the fantasy in the back of your mind as long as you know it's just that. A fantasy. Not real life.

I know HE is no good for me. Me with him is no good for my daughter. If I'm honest with myself, it was always a fantasy. Im learning that it was never the reality of my marriage. And it never will be my reality.

But I'm allowing myself to keep it a fantasy in the back of my mind. At least for now...
Surely I'm not alone in this, right?

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