Friday, June 7, 2013

Marriage vs Man

This is going to just be a garbled mess of thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head. I don't know how to word it pretty. So just be warned. It's literally thoughts spilled to a blog post.

I married a man. Married, verb. Man, noun. Man & woman get married. Man & woman, nouns. Get married, verb. Married, it's something we DID. Right? So why, then, does it feel like it is less of an action and more of a real life living breathing walking torturing thing? A noun. At some point it became a noun. I don't know when why or how... but it did.

I miss my marriage. I feel obligated to my marriage. I made a promise to God, in His home, to honor a man thru a marriage. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Sickness and in health. Until death do us part. Do I miss the man? I don't know. The two are obviously connected. Related. Are they one in the same though? Do I miss him, or just the marriage? Do I feel obligated to him, or just the marriage? Do I want to make my marriage work, or do I want to make US work? I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know how to separate the two in order to answer that question honestly. I don't know how to separate what I believed to be true from what I now know to be true. I don't know how to separate what did happen and what could happen.

I recently realized a very sad truth. I have not had a real face to face conversation with my husband, about our marriage, and the ending of our marriage. When I found out about the infidelity, I was already in GA so I just didn't come back. We haven't had a face to face sit down conversation in a year. This makes me sad. I feel like I need to have this conversation. Not in email, text, or even on the phone. But face to face. Without distractions. I need him to hear what I have to say. I need him to answer my questions. I need to hear what he has to say. I probably need to answer some things for him.

Does the man deserve the courtesy? Or does my marriage deserve the respect? Or do I just need to do it selfishly for myself? I don't know. But lately I do feel like it needs to happen. But do I want to open that door? Where will it lead? Will it help close the chapter? Or just open my heart to believing him again? Will what he say be true? Or will it be more lies? These are all questions I can't answer. I have been praying over them a lot lately. But God seems to be over my heartache because I am not getting much response from the man upstairs.

My head tells me that he has shown me over the past year what matters, what doesn't, who he loves, who he doesn't, and what he is, and isn't, willing to change. But my heart(?) tells me that I owe it to him, to my marriage, to hear him out.

This would be a great time for God to come down, show Himself to be, and lay out the map to my happiness in front of me. Clearly written.

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