Thursday, July 25, 2013

How Do You Know?

No secret I struggle with my decision to end my marriage. I questioned if I should walk away before I knew about the infidelity. I question if I should go back even knowing now that & so much more about the man. I believe in marriage being forever. I believe it takes work & is worth the "for worse" to get to the "for better". Please understand I didn't just give up & run at the first sign of the honeymoon winding down. I asked all the time "how do you know it's time? How do you know it's right? How do you know you've come as far as you can go?" When we got married in a fever, everyone asked "how do you know he's the one?" I always smiled & simply said "when you know, you know". Knowing divorce was not as easy as knowing love. 

But you know what I feel even stronger about than my job as a wife? My honor of being a mother. I believe that's the most important part of me. And I believe that my responsibilities reach beyond food, shelter, and a clean shirt on her back. For the 1st year and a half, I slacked in one major other responsibility: her happiness. I won't go too far into it, because I've posted about it before here. But I remember all my mommy friends sharing videos of their giggling babies. I didn't have those videos of my own. 

So, how do I know I made the right decision? She laughs. All the time. And there's more laughs each & every day. Every time she laughs, I smile & then get a lump in my throat. Every time I doubt my decision, I pause to just watch her and sure enough, something lights her soul & I get that giggle. That's how I know. 

(Not a giggling video. But this is my view as I write this morning.)

Dear Aubrey Jo,
I am sorry. I am sorry that I allowed myself to be so selfish that I became so unhappy & sick trying to save one "happily ever after" at the expense of your happiness. I promise you I will never let your laugh fade. You are the source of so many of my smiles & laughs. I do not take that for granted. And I will not lose sight again of my position to make YOU smile & laugh everyday. 
Love,
Mommy


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