Monday, September 16, 2013

Satisfied in Second

Back in May, AP shared a post that literally left me with tears streaming down my face. I'm not talking like oh, a single tear welling in the corner of my eyes making my vision a little blurry; I'm talking steady trails of big fat tears soaking my cheeks.

You can read it here.

I left her a comment just to go give him a kiss because not all men are as comfortable not coming in first. But what I wanted to do is travel through the night to sit her down (during nap time of course) and pick her brain about how she did it. How did she find a man like him? How did she know he would be the kind of man that was OK... even happy... to come in 3rd? How does she keep him satisfied in 3rd? Does she worry what will happen down the road? Does he have a single brother? *ahem*

My husband rarely wants to talk about his indiscretions, but when he does, it often boils down to the same thing: he needed to be first. He felt once we crossed that line from "couple" to "family" he was not getting the attention he needed, that he felt he deserved. He was not getting enough of me. So he found someone that was willing to give him that attention. {of course, it's been said that the cheating began before we even married so this whole post may be in vain.}

Here's my thing- even in a perfect situation, I feel like the children should come first; I'm not a weekly babysitter & date night kind of mom. But in our situation, I had a rough delivery and long recovery.. I suffered from depression.. I was mentally and physically ill.. he spent weeks away at training for his job.. I was working from home AND working part-time nights for those first few months before I left my night job.  Sometimes the best of me that he got was the hour after we put her to bed before I went myself, or over a pile of laundry during Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. By then, I think he was so frustrated from a full day at work and then an evening of feeling ignored, that he really just didn't even want to talk to me anymore; so nose to his phone... where she was.

Isn't that part of it though? Doesn't every couple have to adjust and balance and find a new groove? Or was that just us while the rest of you just popped out that baby and came home to your happy new little internet filtered life? Quit lying to me. And if that is your reality, then you need to send me a private email RIGHT NOW to tell me your secrets.

He wasn't interested though. He didn't want to wait out the storm of newborn-ness with me. He didn't want to crawl through the "or worse" to find our new "better". I wasn't enough for him... or maybe we were just too much. Either way, he was outta there.

This is really scary to me as a woman that will soon start dating again. Because my future husband, God bless him, won't even get the 2 years of honeymoon newness, in first place, that my 1st husband enjoyed (well, enjoyed~ish). He will come into the picture straight to 2nd place behind Aubrey Jo. He will wait many many years before even coming close to 1st. Hopefully, he will come in at 2nd and then drop to 3rd or 4th... and he will remain satisfied there until our children have grown and moved on and he can finally come 1st. But lets be honest... a mother's job is never done. He will only be 1st then on a day to day. When your children need you, they are first, whether they are a newborn or a parent themselves.

My future husband is one amazing man. I pray that God is working in him as much as He is working within me so we will be ready for & know each other when the time finally comes.

My Number One.

5 comments:

  1. I love you and your heart so much for sharing this. It is a daily struggle and I am so thankful that my husband understands. He may not always like it but Im blessed that he allows me grace to figure it all out. God has a wonderfully incredible man in store for you! Hugs! xxoo

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  2. Just found your blog. I also went through the same thing with my first husband. Your story touched me. I will be praying for God to restore your heart. Not to just heal it, but to make it brand new. So many people go through divorce and end up with scared hearts. But our God is a God of restoration and He makes all things new. I look forward to reading how God is working in your life. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

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    1. Thank you so much! I may very well take you up on that. I hopped over to your blog and felt encouraged seeing you happy and moved on to a new life. Some days that feels like something that will never come for me!

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  3. This story brought tears to my eyes because it's such a daily struggle for so many, myself included. My husband works a job that keeps him away from home for 80-90 hours a week, so between that and mothering a toddler, I feel like there's not much left of me at the end of many days. Thankfully, we've both been able to give each other enough grace to make it through so far, and I pray that that continues. I truly can't imagine what you've been through in dealing with the pain of infidelity, but I pray that God will give you an amazing man to have a new beginning with...one that will understand and support that your role of being mom comes first! Many blessings!

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    1. Girl, that is tough! I will say a prayer for you guys. It isn't easy, but I think as long as you both give each other room for error and grace (as Ashley mentioned in her above comment) then it can work out. And like the song says "it won't be like this for long". I wish all the time that we could have made it just a little bit longer because things are TONS different now than then. Of course every stage comes with it's own complications but we are approaching 3 years old now and she is just so much fun! He is missing out on a lot but I don't know if he would be enjoying it even now.

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