Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Hardest Part

Nothing about divorce is "easy" especially if that divorce was by force instead of choice and the result of infidelity. The complications and emotions just layer one on top of the other. It isn't easy. But I think I can safely say the hardest part is realizing it really says nothing about YOU.

I can't count how many times I worried about what all of this means about me. What about me made my husband stray? What about me didn't see it? What about me made people feel like I deserved not to know the truth? What does it say about me that I am divorced? You know... the usual.

Guess what though? Nothing. It.Says.NOTHING! My husband's choices, and the choices of those around him, say nothing about me... but everything about them.

The man who cheated
The women (and I use that term loosely for many reasons) that knew about me and our child but simply didn't care
The family and friends of the man that choose to keep his secrets
The co-workers that looked me in the eye and never let on

THEY are the ones that are defined by their choices. Their choices don't define me. Their choices don't speak to the woman, mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter that I am. I don't understand their choices. I don't understand why he is more appealing when he is abandoning his commitments. But I don't have to. I don't have to because it speaks to their character, not mine... unless I let it.

If I could tell a woman (or man) in my position just one thing, it's that. Their actions say everything about them but nothing about you. Once you can get out of that rut, that nasty place where you are taking blame and thinking maybe you deserved this, you can start to heal and your good days will outnumber your bad before you know it!

Well, that and to quit referring to yourself as "used" or "damaged" goods. But that's another post for another day!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Halloween Pajama Party

Can you believe it is already Halloween again? Seems like just yesterday I was linking up with Meredith for this same link up.. Remember this? Well, ready or not, it is time again! I'm excited to join Meredith again and Darci this year.

I had better luck this year than last but not without some bribery... and she insisted on wearing her wings (that's what I get for calling them "Halloween" jams.) and her boots as usual.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Mommy Moments

As women, we know the moment will come. You know... the moment when we realize we have become our mothers. It's inevitable. You will find yourself half-way through the sentence and will just stop, like a deer in headlights, and realize you've heard those words before... from her. It's a very strange feeling.

But you know what moment you don't see coming? The moment when you realize you are your toddler. Yep, the toddler. You will find yourself sitting there, talking to your mama and half-way through the sentence you will just stop, like a deer in headlights... BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING TO HER THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR! God bless it. Two minutes earlier? She was on the couch right beside you. Two minutes later? She will be back there. But, for some reason, the topic hits you as soon as she sits on the toilet. WHYY? I complain about this all.the.time. I just want to potty in peace.

I didn't know if I wanted to die laughing or burst into tears realizing 25 years later, I may still be fighting this fight. My mama says even before I moved back in, she could almost guarantee, no matter how silent the rest of the day was, she would have a missed call from me or my sister when she came out of the bathroom. Ha!


Monday, October 21, 2013

Unexpected Inspiration

I mentioned that I am struggling to catch up on my DVR so don't judge me for being so behind on this. I watched last week's DWTS this weekend. Honestly, I like this show but I don't necessarily *love* it so I usually just turn it on while I'm cleaning or something so I can pop in for the dancing and out for the talking.

I was on my knees, head in the oven, trying not to breathe too deeply. Why ovens are even made without a self-clean option I will never know. But that's not what this blog is about. So there I am, cleaning the oven (eye roll) and I hear "With challenges in life, you can either be a victim or do something about it. (...) It's always scary to make a major change in your life, but, you gotta do it..." Naturally, my ears perked up. Then I hear that they chose "Roar" and I was totally tuned in. I love Leah anyways but I totally related to what she was saying. I know she and I are going through different changes, but the message is the same.

Her dance wasn't the best of the night, but I sat in tears watching. It touched me... her words, the song, the strength you find when "stuff hits the fan".

Let's not be silly though... any dance to Britney is going to be a favorite ;) some things never change... watch Snooki "werk" here

Friday, October 18, 2013

Five on Friday

OK "calling all my girls" for a wardrobe crisis! Someone tell me where I can get Bethenny's top... please? I mean, the woman does no wrong in my book. But this is a good top. It's real good.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend sent me a link to listen to a message from her church in the relationship series. I really felt like it hit home and I spent the next couple days thinking about it. Then, without thought, I found myself back on that link. And I started listening to the prayer series. I am really excited this series and am doing my "homework" each week. I have really lost (walked away from?) my quiet time with God lately. I ask people for prayer but rarely sat down and prayed myself. I am getting back to the fundamentals and already feel better. Even the days where I literally set my phone timer and just sit there quietly thinking "I have nothing to say to you". I'm there. And I know He is too. All I gotta do is show up. You can watch/listen here.

Well, I walked in to this yesterday. She had a whole stack of books she was "reading" to him.
I am way behind on my DVR. Like, way behind. Like, I just watched the farewell episode. And! Right? I thought they handled it so gracefully though. I love that they opened with Kurt addressing that they would NOT be addressing how he died. I totally ugly cried with Santana during "If I Die Young" and basically couldn't recover from then on. Got me.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

So What Wednesday!

I haven't joined Shannon for a SWW in a while. So here we go. A few things I'm saying so what to...

  • Halloween. I know, I know. It's not very pinteresty of my and I am going to be super unpopular now but I hate Halloween. I don't like scary and I don't like crowds. I will take priss trick-or-treating because that's what moms do. But she is much like her mama and is afraid of everything. So who knows how long we will last! Could be interesting...
  • The tag. If it has pockets, it's pants. Not leggings. The designer was confused... I can wear these.
  • Being the bigger person. It's exhausting. You can only put yourself out there so many times and be shot down before you finally say to hell with it.
  • 5 am shift. I die every single morning but I cannot wrap my head around going to sleep with (or usually before) my toddler. what! But I don't want to go later because I love getting off work at 1!
  • my iphone! remember not too long ago I said how my trusty 4 was still doing me good and I didn't need to upgrade to a fun new one? yeah well... stupid thing got cocky. Now it is full of attitude and basically does whatever it wants. So that's fun
  • I work at GEICO and not only have I not even seen the humpday commercial, I walk a little quicker past the TV's in the hallway to try and avoid it. Social media ruined it before I even saw it. Annoying...
  • It makes no sense but I kinda love shouting (not singing, shouting) "what does the fox say"... In similar news, if I have to hear my child sing "ei ei o" one more time I am going to lose it.
What are you saying so what to?

Life After I Dew

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Miss Priss Lately

 I feel like I post a little of priss here and a little bit there. I wanted to sit down and just do a quick update all in one place. I mentioned in my last post what a fun stage she is at right now and how much I am enjoying her. I can't even believe I will soon be celebrating this tiny lady's THIRD birthday! 2 just flew by so quickly. Mamas of 1-year-olds, don't believe the hype. Twos are NOT terrible. And *knock on wood* threes are shaping up to be even more awesome (= I am enjoying now but can't wait for what's next with my mini!
 I have shared, mostly on twitter, that she doesn't really talk. She has (had?) some hearing problems. I have been fighting for this girl for over a year and just within the last 2 months have I found a doctor willing to listen to me. Mothers know. A year ago, she didn't say anything at all. Nothing. Barely sounds. She started calling me "dada" and mimi "deedee" when she started school, but then she quit even doing that. She has made up her own sign language and as we introduced her to more signs, it seemed like she relied on them more and became less vocal. Then she started making sounds (mostly to identify animals) and then that stopped as well. She still has her signs, and has started animal sounds again. We also have 2 new "words".
"roo" = rude. Go figure. And she uses it correctly. And it's terribly cute... but borderline inappropriate. ie: "Aubrey Jo, it's night night time" to which she stomps her foot, folds her arms, and says "ROO!" yeah........
"boo" = well, boo! it means she wants a surprise, which is usually a snack. and no, carrots are not boo snacks. haha
 We started dance (obviously) and she is uhhhhh-bsessed! Every time I ask what she wants to do, she starts dancing. I imagine if she could talk, it would be a very Dane Cook "I just want to dance!" moment. She loves her friends and gets so excited when she sees them. She insists that we clap for her as soon as she comes out of class, even though she thinks we weren't even there. We watch through a window that is a mirror on her end (is that a 1 way or 2 way? neither seem right). I giggle watching her totally independent and in her element. At gymnastics, I sit up in the rafters so I am not right in there with her, but she knows where to find me, and often does. However, the class is an hour long. A full hour. And by about 45 minutes, the kid is totally over it. I do mean o-ver it. I shared a photo on instagram of her literally just laying in the middle of the floor away from where class was happening making silly faces in the mirror. God bless it...
 Every time we get ready for the day, she demands a bow. Sometimes 2 bows. However, her favorite toys are cars (especially monster trucks like papa's) and dinosaurs. Her favorite days usually start with going straight outside before even getting out of her nightgown to play with the puppies. They always include riding on the 4-wheeler, watching my little ponies and being chased by anyone with enough energy to pretend to keep up. There is always dancing and flipping, sometimes duck throwing and she prefers never any nap taking because that would cut into her sneaking M&M time. Speaking of sneaking, she loves to sneak...
 Now that I am back to work, I have to go to bed around 8. She is a night owl like my parents so even though I make her come to bed with me, she usually doesn't stay long. She waits until I am asleep and then she sneaks out and stays up with mimi and papa. I've caught her before but can't even get mad because it is so dang cute! She gets up on her tippy toes, crouches her head, pulls her arms in like T-Rex and shh's all the way from the bed to papa's chair. He is usually eating popcorn and I think at this point, doesn't even want to eat the whole bowl alone anymore. When they go to bed, she sneaks back in with me, adjusts my blanket, kisses my cheek and then snuggles up right against me. Though, when I wake up at 3:30 usually it is a much less idyllic scene. Real life...
 She is such a sweet heart. She got a new stuffed animal at the store and first thing she did when we got home is official introductions. She took it in, lined up all her babies, and then made each one of them give the new one a hug and kiss. Then she did a group hug. I was the new girl at school a couple times... I hope she always has such a welcoming heart. She also takes  very good care of her mimi. She brings her blankets and she kisses her "boo boo" all the time. If someone says something to mimi and she plays it up that she doesn't want to or that her feelings are hurt, watch out! Aubrey Jo is coming for you. Don't misunderstand me though, last weekend we celebrated mimi's birthday and she really was in no mood for it. She needed that attention. She wanted the cake to be hers, she wanted the song to say her name instead of mimi's and she wanted a present to open. I mean, come on, I am still talking about a 2 year old here... she is sweet, but not saintly ;)
 I have so much love for my waist high bestie. I miss her all day while I am at work and sometimes when I steal a sleeping kiss before work I just want to cry. But when I get home, and she comes running to me? I secretly look forward to leaving again just so I can get that greeting again. For those first few moments spent just sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped tight and her rambling on all about her day between kisses, I am just in heaven. Pure bliss.
 For now, when I ask who her best friend is, she says with a smile "dada" every time. I know I better enjoy that answer now. I know I will blink and she will be a teenager. I know she will know it all and I will be 'so lame'. I know I will miss this. But I also know teenagers grow into women and women know, their best friend is their mama. So when people remind me that this friendship is fleeting, I just smile because I know they're right... it's going to get so.much.better.
"The (cutest) End"
;) see what I did there?

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Maybe Just One?

The moment I decided I would have one child, I knew I would have three. Actually, I considered five. But only briefly. Three is perfect! I had a timeline and a plan. Had I not gotten divorced, we would be preparing to welcome our 2nd child and this blog (if it existed at all) would be all about nursery planning and bump dressing. We would be very happy. We would be doing lots of activities in iur last weeks as a family of three and everyone would be commenting that I'm "all belly" even though we know I was a lot belly but also a lot of ass and chins too. Ha!

But, I did get divorced. I am alone. I am very much not pregnant. And have no glimmer of hope that I will be pregnant even close to my timeline. Instead, I am preparing to be an aunt again and I'm really excited about that. I take my role as favorite auntie very seriously. Very. Seriously. 

But maybe that's not something to be mourned...

I am REALLY enjoying this stage Miss Priss is in. She is so much fun, she doesn't need diapers and bottles, I don't have to carry around tons of "stuff" and I dot feel like I'm alone when I'm out and about with her, she keeps me company. A newborn would really slow us down. Cramp our style. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been more upset about my "plan" being wrecked than actually not having a baby growing inside me again. (I think.) I have just been having so much fun with her though that it's a relief to be "back at the drawing board" so to speak. 

My fear (fear?) though is that this feeling will only grow stronger. She's going to get older. She's going to get MORE fun, more involved and our time just the 2 of u is going to make our bond so much stronger. Will I ever be open again to more children? Or will we just get in the groove and lose more and more interest with each passing year in adding more? Especially if I marry a man that already has kids. Then we still get multiple kids and never have to go back to bulky bags and strollers while we are trying to have some fun. 

I have a friend who was an only child until we were in high school, then her mom had 2 more babies. TWO! After her oldest was driving. She was thiiiis close to being "done" and she started all over. Can you imagine? I'm not sure if her story terrifies me or gives me hope that I will still have the 3 kids I see in the family photos in my dreams. 

(I'm such a hypocrite. I think Aubrey's cousin here is close to Aubrey's age now. She totally "got" it and was so cute. This one kinda makes me miss my "plan" haha)

For now though, I'm just happy. Happy happy happy. I love being a duo. I love my tiny partner in crime. I have no desire for a big belly or diapers or strollers or cribs or snappy onesies or any of that baby nonsense. 

Friday, October 11, 2013

Five(ish) on Friday

I have been a little slack in the blog department lately. I promise I have drafts though, for whatever that's worth. Fridays always give me the perfect excuse to check in though with a few random thoughts and updates. So here we go.

Mcdonald's got it right with this one. SO GOOD! I realize it's "fall" but something about it just tasted like Christmas to me. Which, by the way, I am trying really hard not to get too excited about. I promise to enjoy the pumpkins and fun of fall. BUT dang it, I just love Christmas.
We traveled to Emory this week in Atlanta. I am really satisfied with the Dr we saw and while it isn't all good news, I am relieved to finally have a plan of action. Sitting and waiting left me feeling very helpless. I am admittedly a person that likes control and I have had a hard time just sitting and not being able to do anything the last couple months.

The puppies moved out of the house this week and are really getting fun. (But don't tell my mom I said that.) They run and play and looooove Aubrey Jo! This afternoon, she decided Garnet Boy needed a bath.

I mean, is everyone watching Survivor this year? I admit, I haven't watched since I felt like Rupert was done wrong (don't even get me started on this season again with him) but we are watching this year for Colton & Caleb. I am pretty sure Aubrey Jo would be happy if they adopted me as a wife so she could always be with her "C" as she so fondly refers to him. But... but but but! I actually became a "fan" this week when Caleb turned it out at tribal council. Oh Em Gee! Has that ever happened? Not in the years when I was watching. And also, we all know I am a Big Brother fan so I am really hoping to see Caleb and Hayden team up.

Confession. I have a 2 year old helping me write this. Which means even though I wrote this out in my head during bath time 15 minutes ago, when I sit down to the computer to actually compose it, I can't think about anything but the damn ponies on the kid's panties she is obsessed with and the milk she is very aggressively signing for. With that being said, mommy duty calls... so this is actually a 4 on Friday. It happens. Call the blog police...

Monday, October 7, 2013

I Love The Fair Again

The fair is back. I cannot believe it has been a whole year since I was this scared woman that missed out on my favorite week of the year! (Remember this?) Well, this year, we went. I took Aubrey Jo and we carved new paths through an old memory lane. We had THE BEST TIME! I am glad I didn't go last year because I really don't think I was ready. I had such anxiety walking in even this year. Aubrey Jo didn't let that last long though as she was running from one exhibit to another. Last year, I don't think she would have been as "in to" it as she was this year so it worked out. She was ready, I was ready, and we made that fair OURS!

Aubrey Jo hitched a ride with her papa after she spilled chocolate milk in her boots, which left huge blisters on her feet. I really thought our day was going to end right then and there before it even began. But, luckily we were able to simply rent a stroller and kept on trucking.
She really thought mimi was going to let her go swimming. Umm, no ma'am.

She has absolutely no fear! None. I dread the day she wants me to ride the "big" stuff with her. I will do it... but I will need to work on deep breaths.
The highlight of my night. I don't think she will ever understand the hurt she has been able to heal. This was huge for me. To be able to get on this dumb thing. To stand in line, between happy families, to watch them snuggle in the cart above and below us. To be OK with it. We got stopped at the top, and as though she knew, she just grabbed my face and LICKED ME from chin to ear. I just busted out laughing and hugged her tight. God gave me her for a reason. He knew I needed her as much as she needs me. I love this sweet girl SO much and cannot wait to make many many more years of memories together.

Fried reese cup? um.... yes please! I will take 3... with an fried snickers bar on a stick as well. Oh yes I did. Good bye weight loss!

20 something years later, and my daddy is STILL the best slide partner a girl could ask for (=

She was really proud of her winnings but was none to pleased that it was time to go back home. I think she would have just stayed all week and never stopped!
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