Sunday, October 13, 2013

Maybe Just One?

The moment I decided I would have one child, I knew I would have three. Actually, I considered five. But only briefly. Three is perfect! I had a timeline and a plan. Had I not gotten divorced, we would be preparing to welcome our 2nd child and this blog (if it existed at all) would be all about nursery planning and bump dressing. We would be very happy. We would be doing lots of activities in iur last weeks as a family of three and everyone would be commenting that I'm "all belly" even though we know I was a lot belly but also a lot of ass and chins too. Ha!

But, I did get divorced. I am alone. I am very much not pregnant. And have no glimmer of hope that I will be pregnant even close to my timeline. Instead, I am preparing to be an aunt again and I'm really excited about that. I take my role as favorite auntie very seriously. Very. Seriously. 

But maybe that's not something to be mourned...

I am REALLY enjoying this stage Miss Priss is in. She is so much fun, she doesn't need diapers and bottles, I don't have to carry around tons of "stuff" and I dot feel like I'm alone when I'm out and about with her, she keeps me company. A newborn would really slow us down. Cramp our style. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been more upset about my "plan" being wrecked than actually not having a baby growing inside me again. (I think.) I have just been having so much fun with her though that it's a relief to be "back at the drawing board" so to speak. 

My fear (fear?) though is that this feeling will only grow stronger. She's going to get older. She's going to get MORE fun, more involved and our time just the 2 of u is going to make our bond so much stronger. Will I ever be open again to more children? Or will we just get in the groove and lose more and more interest with each passing year in adding more? Especially if I marry a man that already has kids. Then we still get multiple kids and never have to go back to bulky bags and strollers while we are trying to have some fun. 

I have a friend who was an only child until we were in high school, then her mom had 2 more babies. TWO! After her oldest was driving. She was thiiiis close to being "done" and she started all over. Can you imagine? I'm not sure if her story terrifies me or gives me hope that I will still have the 3 kids I see in the family photos in my dreams. 

(I'm such a hypocrite. I think Aubrey's cousin here is close to Aubrey's age now. She totally "got" it and was so cute. This one kinda makes me miss my "plan" haha)

For now though, I'm just happy. Happy happy happy. I love being a duo. I love my tiny partner in crime. I have no desire for a big belly or diapers or strollers or cribs or snappy onesies or any of that baby nonsense. 

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