Thursday, January 2, 2014

My First Single Christmas

I know what you're thinking. I was separated last Christmas. Yes, that's true, but my sister & her family didn't come and I was brand new at my job so we couldn't go either. Last year, Christmas Day was like any other day. Except we had a couple presents. It came & went without hardly being noticed. 

This year still wasn't like normal. With my mom's treatments, we weren't able to go home with our large family, but the immediate family came to us. My sister BIL and nephew as well as granny and grandpa. We cooked for DAYS leading up to Christmas, we had more presents than space, there were fires and sarcastic sighs and Christmas movies. It was as close to our usual as we could have hoped for. 

It was nice to be able to get back to what we are used to. It was exciting watching Miss Priss finally get excited about it. It had all the makings to be a dang near perfect holiday. 

But I found myself wanting to sneak away with Prissy and just hold her. Just us. Watching My Little Pony, ignoring the loud talking and laughing outside the bedroom door. Perhaps let a few tears sneak down my cheeks into her wild hair. Kids her again and again. Whispering I love yous and tickles during commercial breaks. 

This year, being so close to our normal, only seemed to point out the painful realities for me. The pictures felt unbalanced, the table felt short a chair, I felt very lonely. Everyone was "family" as in "Mary Ann's (my mom) family is here" which is to include "Katie (my sis) and her family" and then "Julianne and Aubrey Jo" of course we are all Granny's family. Everyone is "and family" and it feels sometimes like we fall short. I realize it's just simply that we only have 2 names so it's easy to say it whereas everyone else has a list of names so make it easy and say "and family". I know that. But I can't help the way it feels. 

I have become painfully aware how much things can change from one Christmas to the next. I am painfully aware how lucky we are that my mom was here. And that we don't know how many more we have her. Or my grandparents. Or any of us. I am very much aware that my life is full of thing bigger than a disappearing husband in holiday photos. But it doesn't change the emptiness divorce leaves. 

All I can hold on to is that this happened before my daughter understands. Before SHE shares in these feelings of missing something. 

Divorce isn't easy. I continue to be surprised by the triggers that hit me like a punch to the gut.  I continue to fear what awaits me around the next turn. 

1 comment:

  1. Julianne, I don't really know where to begin or exactly what to say. There are things I went through that noone was told about so I can't just throw it all out there. Please know you aren't alone. If you want, email or text me and I can let it all out. We can talk anytime. I love y'all.


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